As many of you can tell from how I pathetically slobber over Prince Hot Ginge and Phoebe Price, I am a hardcore ginger worshiper, but to me, Jessica Chastain has always been as bland as a handful of raw Malt-O-Meal. But in a cover spread for W Magazine, Jessica Chastain is the complete opposite of bland and has covered my eyes with a whole lot of Sharpie-infused glamour. Jessica Chastain looks like she was made over by a heavy-handed cholita, a Muppet, a nun on acid and a serial killer clown at the same time.
Who knew that it would only take a polyester Who’s That Girl? wig, a “Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine…” wig, a gallon of lead-based red paint, four economy-sized packs of Sharpies and a bunch of clothes from Lady CaCa’s dirty laundry basket to make Jessica Chastain look this gorgeous. She looks like a cross between Groucho Marx in Miley Cyrus drag and Brigitte Nielsen as a band leader from Mars.
In some of the pictures, Jessica Chastain’s brows look like extra thick poop noodles, but other than that, she is alien punk beautiful. Jessica needs to cancel all her appointments and spend her entire day getting those eyebrows and that stunning lip liner permanently tattooed onto her face, because this is the way she’s supposed to look!