Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Liz Taylor (as played by Denis O’Hare) from American Horror Story: Hotel.

I don’t even know why tricks check into that hotel on AHS: Hotel, because as soon as Kathy Bates told me they don’t have WiFi, my rolling luggage and I would’ve changed course and headed straight for the nearest Comfort Inn Suites while calling the Better Business Bureau to report that stone age dump for not providing Internet access in 2015. WiFi is a RIGHT not a privilege. You know how in horror movies when dumb bitch characters do stupid shit like run up to the second floor instead of out the front door when the murderer is chasing them? Checking into a giant hotel with no WiFi is the same stupid ass move. Nothing good can come from that. And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

American Horror Story: No WiFi premiered last night and to me, it was like The Hunger wrapped in The Shining wrapped in a really long Lady CaCa video and topped with a good old-fashioned drill bit dildo ass rape scene. Lady Gaga didn’t talk that much in the first episode and they should’ve kept it that way, because what came out of her mouth was the real horror story. It’s like Madge’s fake ass British accent and an old-timey movie accent fucked in her mouth. She rolled out a vaguely European accent that let us know that she’s a serious ACK-TORR now! But two things made up for Gaga’s accent: Matt Boner’s ass and Denis O’Hare.

Denis O’Hare (more like Denis No’Hair) plays Liz Taylor and in the few scenes he was in, he proved to me that he should’ve played Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick movie. He could’ve played both roles actually. Liz Taylor is sort of like a queen-of-all-trades of the hotel, but her main job is to provide glamour and hotness. The malnourished James St. James is lightly sprinkled throughout the first episode, but Denis promises the season will have heaping amounts of Liz Taylor in it including a beautiful”¬†love scene. I hope that means there will be a scene of him gently brushing Matt Boner’s locks while he’s done up as Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra and Boner is done up as Richard Burton as Mark Antony. That would be an American dream story.

Pic: FX

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