Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

ORBITZ!

Orbitz, the gummy balls-filled fruit drink from the 90s that was gone way before its time, got the HSOTD stamp all the way back in the ancient times known as 2009, but I’m making it HSOTD again for 2 very good reasons:

1. Today is Memorial Day in the US and after we honor the fallen soldiers by buying a 25% off mattress and yelling at hos on FB who wish us a “Happy” Memorial Day, it would be nice to lounge in the backyard next to a plunge tub (aka a plastic trash can full of water) and get drunk on Orbitz-tinis. But we can’t get drunk on Orbitz-tinis, because the drink of the future that looked like an STD under a microscope went away shortly after it came out in 1994. Which leads me to…

2. Since Clearly Canadian and New York Seltzer are making their long-awaited return to our throats, Orbitz should too. Apparently, Cleary Canadian, who made Orbitz, said in 2013 that they were going to squirt out a small batch of Orbitz for us 90s hos who can’t let go and don’t want to spend $41 for a vintage bottle¬†on eBay. But Clearly Canadian played with our emotions and left us dry, because they lied. They never gave us that limited-edition batch they promised us.

The truth is, Orbitz was pretty disgusting and that says a lot coming from a nasty gutter tramp who’s had some ultra disgusting things in his mouth before. I remember it tasting like medicine, and those intergalactic gelatin ball things were the consistency of tonsil stones. But still, they should bring it back for those of us who are thirsty for nostalgia and want to guzzle down a gross drink that answered the question, “What would it taste like if a martian busted a chunky jizz load into a bottle full of fruit-flavored Purell?

BRING BACK ORBITZ!

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