Open Post: Hosted By Record-Breaking Panda Lovin’

If you need a soundtrack to go along with that pic, here you go:

I didn’t think I’d spend a piece of my day writing about outdoor panda porn, but here we are. Lu Lu, a dude panda at the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre in China, can’t open the Tinder app today without risking his phone blowing up, because every lady panda is probably hitting him up after seeing the marathon fuck show he and his lady panda friend Zhen Zhen threw down the other day. The Daily Mail (who else?) says that Lu Lu earned the nickname “The Enduring Brother” after he and Lu Lu did it doggy-style (which will soon be renamed “panda-style”) for 7 minutes and 45 seconds in front of everyone. Sucio kinky pandas!

Not only is that a new record for the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre, but it’s probably a new record for all living things. Who fucks for more than 7 minutes at a time? Even Sting is lying. Whenever someone tells me they got it on for hours, I throw them an eye roll and say that the 5 hours they spent post-sex watching Golden Girls episodes while cuddling doesn’t count, bitch.

And in case you’re weird and are wondering, here’s what Zhen Zhen’s “in heat” face looks like:

A lady panda’s “in heat” face is the same face I make when the server at IHOP tells me they ran out of crepes.