Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp’s Crisco-Covered Mop

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re ever out of lube and Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just rub your genitals all over his oily hair. If you’re abuelita wants to make some fried platanos and she’s all out of lard, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just tell her to rub her pan all over his manteca hair. If your car is out of oil and you don’t have any Penzoil, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just put his head over the oil reservoir thing and wring his hair out. (Side note: Car engineers should really develop a car that runs on the grease that’s in Johnny Depp’s hair.) The grease in Johnny Depp’s hair has so many uses!

Even though Mortahoweveryouspellthatshit flopped hard here in the US, Johnny Depp and his caretaker Amber Heard were sent over to Tokyo to sell that mess in hopes that the studio can make some money off of that moustache’d turd. The people of Japan love horror movies, so they should market that shit as the most torturous 107 minutes of cinema ever. The premiere was in Tokyo tonight and Johnny waved at all of his fans while looking like a cross between a hobo Snape and KD Lang as the girl in The Grudge. I also threw in pictures of Johnny and Amber at the airport in Tokyo yesterday. She looks like an Amish nurse and he looks like the pilled-up recluse she was hired to take care of.

And you probably couldn’t read any of that because the grease in Johnny’s mop bled through your screen and you’re busy wiping that mess away with the thicker, quicker picker-upper.

Pics: Reuters, Wenn.com

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