Hot Slut Of The Day!

The red bandage dress that saved a chick’s life!

There was a time when it felt like every damn trick in Hollywood and beyond wore a bandage dress to everything and wobbled around like a mummy. Bandage dress addict Jennifer Love Hewitt probably slept in a  bandage nightgown for years and I’m sure her tampons were even made by Herve Leger. But little did we know, that the dress that made hos scream, “STOP THE BANDAGE DRESS MADNESS,” is actually a life saver. 21-year-old Zoe Turner of Wakefield in West Yorkshire, England tells highly-esteemed literary journal The Daily Mail that a bandage dress she bought for £35 kept the Grim Reaper from escorting her to the afterworld.

Last month, Zoe (seen above in the life-saving dress and giving you chola adele while lying in a hospital bed) and her friends got into a taxi after partying at her mom’s office Christmas party and during their ride home, a cement mixer crashed into them. Everybody in that taxi was left in a bad way. The taxi driver ‘s neck broke and her friends had broken bones and busted eye sockets. Zoe suffered a fractured pelvis and a busted sternum, but it could’ve been a whole lot worse. Zoe claims that doctors told her that her bandage dress acted like a corset and kept her bones from stabbing her vital organs. Zoe was wearing a seatbelt, but it’s the dress that kept her out of a coffin! The £35 “Mulan Bandage Bodycon Mini Dress” from some website called Missguided saved her life! (Note: They call it the “Mulan” dress, because the model is Asian and red is like the official color of Asians or something.)

The Daily Mail didn’t talk to any of Zoe’s doctors, but if she says her dress SAVED HER LIFE then it must have. I believe her, because people with angelic chola clown eyebrows do not lie or exaggerate to get into The Daily Mail. Zoe, who was in the hospital for 5 days, said this about the dress that should be knighted by THE QUEEN for being a hero:

“I couldn’t believe my dress saved my life. That’s the best £35 I’ve ever spent. Although I didn’t come off lightly, the end result could have been a lot worse. The doctors told me that if I hadn’t worn such a tight dress which held in place my bones as the car impacted, I would have most definitely punctured vital organs as my bones went out of place.”

So, if you want to practically live forever, wear a bandage dress and a bullet-stopping weave. I’m sure the New England Journal of Medicine will publish this fact very soon.

(For Hilary)