I’m sorry, you’ll need to give me a moment. I’m still coming down from the second-hang high I got from looking at these pictures of Princess Hillbilly Moonbeam of the Psychedelic Humanoid Gophers Miley Cyrus at Art Basel in Miami last night. Speaking of which, if any of you know the best way to remove invisible spiders from underneath your eyeballs, please let me know.
It all makes sense that this tinfoil fuckery took place in Florida; Miley looks like a condom wrapper that washed up on Panama City Beach and a come-to-life meth pipe. “How dare you! I’ve never looked that busted!” hissed meth. According to Page Six, Miley performed a bunch of covers looking like a $0.99 swap meet knock-off Dazzler doll with Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips at a party hosted by Tommy Hilfiger and V Magazine.
Page Six says she was also joined by “people dressed in shark costumes, a man dressed as a penis with silver streamers coming out of the top, and a giant mushroom. The stage was flanked in the audience by giant rubber duckies and trees with baby dolls strung to them.” What, no three-headed hot dogs or a 7-foot-tall backwards-talking shoe? I guess they were on a budget. That, or all the money went to making Miley look like a fungus found growing on the toilet seat in one of the bathrooms at Studio 54.
And because Miley isn’t Miley unless she’s chugging moonshine, acting like an aspiring trailer park stripper, or shoving felony quantities of drugs in her dirty possum mouth, she also apparently got drunk, took her top off, and smoked weed on stage. “How y’all doing, Miami? Hope ya got yer shots, cause I’m wrecked as shit and fixin to rub my rashes on everything!”