WARNING: If you’re anything like me and you’ve got a weak-ass stomach that gets the wet heaves whenever gross shit is mentioned, then you might want to clear a path to the bathroom, because there’s a 50/50 chance this story will make you race for the toilet.
So, remember a couple weeks ago when Jose Canseco was cleaning his loaded guns at the kitchen table and accidentally shot off his middle finger? Jose’s girlfriend Leila Knight was worried that doctors might not be able to reattach it, but as it turns out – yeah, they could. After a couple hours in surgery, Jose was reunited with his finger! Yay! Unfortunately, the reunion wasn’t destined to be a permanent one. Jose announced yesterday on Twitter that his frankenfinger fell off in the middle of a poker game Friday night:
Ok well I might as well tell you .I was playing in a poker tournament last night and my finger fell off .someone took a video of it. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
My finger should have been amputated from the beginning. It was very loose with no bone to connect it.it was also smelling really bad. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
As if that wasn’t revolting enough, Jose also tweeted (then deleted) a picture of the stump where his finger used to be. I’ve hidden it after the cut because it’s gross as hell, but also because the stump looks like a penis.
I have so many questions! First – where’s the brain bleach, because I want to forget everything I saw. Second, what is going on with that hand?? Why does it look like a old potato? And why does the finger stump look like a penis? And why does the head of the penis have two metal prongs sticking out of it? And also, can anyone get that done? Because I love corn on the cob and having a set of built-in corn holders actually seems pretty useful. Regardless, it seems like Jose is taking the loss of his frankenfinger pretty well:
I could probably hit a softball further with 9 fingers .less weight means more bat speed. Lol — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 15, 2014
I bet a long time ago you could easily loose a finger a hand or even your life in a poker game if you couldn’t pay up. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 15, 2014
I put my finger in the freezer anyone want finger appetizers. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 15, 2014
Or is it finger snacks — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 15, 2014
Guys, I know Jose is as dumb as a brick of cheese, but I’m really worried that he doesn’t actually understand that his finger is gone. Like, he’s cracking wise about finger snacks (it’s finger foods and finger sandwiches, but whatever) and selling that shit on eBay, but I get the feeling that once Jose is done laughing at his own jokes – and you know he is – he’s going to turn to his girlfriend and be like “Hey, do you mind driving me to the finger store? I need to get a new finger.”
But I guess the only good thing to come from his finger falling off is that now when he goes to give someone the middle finger, he won’t even have to say “Fuck you” – that stumpy penis says it for him!