The Internet slowed all the way down today when thousands of gallons of nerd cream flooded its gears after Marvel announced in a nerdgasm-inducing presentation that in the next five years they’re releasing 9 movies including Black Panther starring Chadwick Boseman, Captain America: Civil War starring Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 & 2, Captain Marvel, Doctor Strange and another Thor movie. Basically, Marvel announced that every 1 out of 2 dollars that is made at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing is going directly into RDJ’s enflamed, throbbing checking account and soon he’ll be able to buy us all.
So, as the nerds threw their money at their computer screens and I screamed out loud, “But what about DAZZLER?!”, one of DC’s hos, Batffleck, went to get coffee with his kid Samuel in Brentwood this morning.
Every time I see pictures of Ben Affleck, it looks like his upper body is bigger and beefier and is starting to eat his neck. Soon his pecs are going to be the size of Kim Kartrashian’s ass, his arms are going to look like an anaconda after swallowing Nicki Minaj whole and we’re only going to be able to see his forehead and plugs. Dude’s getting one of those prison yard bodies and call me a desperate, nasty whore (actually, you can call me that anyway since everybody including my family members and doctor does), but I’d totally rim Ben’s butt chin.