Night Crumbs

Goopy Paltrow is selling monogrammed panties on her GOOP now. The story here is that she still holds a special place for Chris Martin on her chonies, because the model is wearing panties monogrammed with the initials gkpm (Gwyneth Kate Paltrow Martin). But the real story should be that Goopy is once again selling crap she obviously doesn’t wear. Those panties don’t look like they’re made of silk produced by silkworms who only eat organic swiss chard and mulberry leaves washed with swan tears, and where is the easy access zipper for her daily enemas?! – Lainey Gossip 

Falkor Rimes lets a ho be a ho – Celebitchy

Teen Mom Jenelle is such a giving soul and a true saint for saving her mom from loneliness by letting her take care of her own kid – Reality Tea

S&M Valtrex Barbie, now available in the gift shop of every free clinic – Drunken Stepfather

Eric Holder isn’t Attorney General anymore and I nominate either Phaedra Parks or Lawyer Dog as his replacement – Towleroad

I think the bigger story here is that State Farm hired Rob Schneider as their spokesperson and the year is not 1999 – The Superficial

Iggy Azalea’s story about her being a 13-year-old hitchhiking drunk slut is probably about as real as her rap accent – WWTDD

This Selena Gomez Real Doll almost looks life-like – Popoholic

We’re still living in a time when the paparazzi show up after Ashley Greene calls them – Hollywood Tuna

So this is why Animal from the Muppets was at Supercuts getting his hair dyed black – ICYDK

Miles Teller takes back that whole “Divergent made me feel dead inside” comment because his agent held up a picture of Katherine Heigl and said, “Don’t let this be you” – Pajiba

Kate Mara and Ellen Page are Tiny Detectives – OMG Blog

When Wes Craven movies and real life become one – Gawker

This is for you dirty, nasty, sucio armpit fetishists out there (Yes, Robert Pattinson, I’m talking to you) – The Berry

Sam Worthington, Cal Worthington’s son (I WISH), is going to be a dad – Popsugar

I guess Jordin Sparks isn’t talking dirty to Jason Derulo anymore – Just Jared

Jimmy Kimmel gives you an image that I’m sure already exists in a Paula Deen parody porn – SOW