BREAKING: Hello Kitty Isn’t Actually A Cat

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Don’t worry, I’m deeply confused too. This is like someone pointing to a picture of Kim Kardashian and trying to convince you that it’s not a picture of a narcoleptic-faced hooker. It makes NO goddamn sense. But according to the Los Angeles Times, Hello Kitty – the cat-looking Japanese cartoon character who’s named after the thing she looks like – is not actually a cat. So what the hell is she then?

According to Christine R. Yano, an anthropologist who is curating a retrospective on Hello Kitty and author of the book Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific, found out during her research from one of the HBICs at Sanrio that Hello Kitty is actually a human British 3rd grade girl named Kitty White. She’s five apples tall, a Scorpio, her parents are George and Mary White, and she has a twin sister named Mimmy. You hear that? Five apples tall, just like a regular human child!

All I have to say to that is: …THE FUCK???? Is this one of those tests they give to see if you’re a serial killer? What kind of person is looking at Hello Kitty and saying “Of course she’s not a cat! Look at her whiskers and cat ears – that’s clearly a human child”? Bitch is named Kitty and has whiskers and paws and kitty ears and LOOKS LIKE A FRIGGIN CAT, but she’s not a cat? The only explanation for this is that “George and Mary” are British-sounding pseudonyms for Dennis Avner and Jocelyn Wildenstein. One romantic night over a bottle of Chablis and a crystal dish of Fancy Feast, Dennis and Jocelyn made unsettling humanoid cat-love which resulted in Jocelyn giving birth to a litter of two cat-looking babies, Kitty and Mimmy. Then they moved to Japan, where everything is next-level weird and no one would question the existence of two freaky cat people raising cat-looking twin girls that are no taller than five apples. There, that makes much more sense!

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