No, John Malkovich is not dressed up in character to play the starring role in Lifetime’s fast-tracked movie titled Grillz & Canez: The Story Of Madge’s Wild Night At The Grammys. John put on a sensible, wavy Gandalf bob wig and a Leslie original to play a pirate in NBC’s Crossbones, which is shooting right now in Old San Juan, Puerto Rico. Based on that luscious white face muff, which looks like a patch of freshly fallen snow on the peak of a majestic mountain (or like a white owl in mid-blink depending on how stoned you are), you’d think John was playing a pirate named Whitebeard. But to quote the 8th grade asshole whose hand would come for my nipple every time I took my shirt off next to him in the boys locker room: there’s a twist coming! John Malkovich is playing Blackbeard. Only a skilled thespian like John Malkovich can play Blackbeard while wearing a white beard. Emmy voters, take note.
And yes, I’d hit it until that wig slid off and his beard turned black before turning white again, but he’d have to keep that cotton and lace blouse on. It really does it for me.