I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but sometime last night, God gave up torturing us by freezing our asses in snow or making the closest store to my house run out of Cool Ranch Ds (THANKS, ASSHOLE), and decided to channel his inner Oprah and mercifully start granting prayer requests like it was the goddamn Favorite Things episode of our lives. All of our prayers are coming true, people! First Tantrum Toddler gets arrested for a DUI, and now there’s a possibility that my BRUCIE might be joining the 18th Season of Dancing With The Stars! God’s in a good mood and he’s granting all our wishes, so if you’ve ever wanted bigger titties or for the earth to open up and swallow Kris Jenner back into the 7th Layer of Hell, now’s the time!
I’ll be getting out my nicest scented pink note paper and a fresh glitter gel pen to write God a very sincere Thank You note today, because Us Weekly is reporting that the second-most talented Kardashian (second only to Khole, who is able to crush cans with her She-Hulk snatch) Bruce Jenner is in talks to appear on your Nana’s favorite show to fall asleep to:
“He’s dying to do it,” an insider tells Us. “The show is close to locking him in.”
Jenner has stepped into the ballroom before — as an audience member. The star previously cheered on stepdaughter Kim Kardashian, as she took 11th place in Season 7 with professional dancer Mark Ballas. Kim’s younger brother, Rob Kardashian, followed in her footsteps when he joined Season 13 of the dancing competition in 2011. He and Cheryl Burke were eliminated in week 10.
“He would have fun with it,” Rob told Us.
Have fun with it? Rob, you fucking sock-hawking dummy, he’d DOMINATE that competition with his raw sex appeal and sensuality. Can you imagine Bruce gracefully waltzing across the floor to Endless Love as his beautiful freedom-tail shimmers against the sequins on his costume? Uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have pictured Bruce grinding against Cheryl Burke so soon after scrolling through those hot pictures of Joe Exotic. I’m going to need a change of pants, a million towels, whatever they used to soak up the Iowa River flood (probably sawdust?) and a moment to catch my breath.
(Pic via Splash)