The Christmas Gift Nobody Wanted: Miley Cyrus’ Video For “Adore You”

Miley Cyrus’ video for “Adore You” was supposed to come out today, but it “leaked” last night, because she just had to taint everyone’s egg nog with dried saliva, cooch slobber, liquid desperation and dirty bathwater. Press play if you really want to see 4 and a half minutes of Miley looking like Bunny Boy from Gummo continually scratching at his mouth because he’s teething. Miley thinks she’s giving us ten layers of sex, but bitch is writhing around so much that she looks like a strung out toddler who’s coming down from a heroin binge. This is about as sexy as an exorcism. If RiRi’s video for “Stay” hocked up a crusty loogie and then Madge’s video for “Justify My Love” dropped a wet queef on that loogie before Sharon Stone’s bath tub fap scene from Sliver farted on it, the end result would be Miley’s video for “Adore You.”

I don’t know who directed this boring, uncomfortable mess. I was really surprised that the words “co-directed by Uncle Terry and Billy Ray Cyrus” didn’t pop up on the screen at the end.