In a video that looks like a terrifying clip cut from The Ring or like the beginning a 70s snuff film shot on 8mm, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan introduces herself and then sings out a few lines of Xtina’s “Beautiful.” Since the whole modeling thing didn’t really work out and White Oprah’s not going to pay for those unpaid invoices from her back alley pharmacists herself, Ali Lohan is trying to make a few ad revenue coins from singing on YouTube. And if that doesn’t work out, White Oprah will sell her to scientists who will study her to find out what kind of fucked-up chemicals make up a Lohan.
Ali Lohan has the exact same talking voice as this dude who lived next door to me when we were both 15. He had a mullet, only drank Shasta, only wore tank tops bought in gas stations, always smelled like a mixture of Irish Spring and a wet ash tray, was always out of breath and he had the raspiest voice ever. If extra coarse sandpaper grew vocal cords and a mouth and could speak, it would sound exactly like this kid. He wasn’t a smoker, but his mom and grandma were and he lived with their asses. They always had a cigarette in their hands and I never saw them exhale without a cloud of cigarette smoke coming out of their mouths. The walls of his house were always stained and sticky and the first time I hung out there, it was so smoky I thought that bitch was on fire. They were the cigarette industry’s dream family! Dude didn’t have smoker’s voice, but he did have a severe case of second hand smoker’s voice. So when I hear Ali Lohan talk, I see that dude I made it out with once in the back of a garage refrigerator when I was 15. It’s weirding me out.
As for her singing… She should’ve officially retired as a singer after Lohan Holiday, because she can never top that musical masterpiece. Here’s the karaoke version for your next holiday party: