HR departments aren’t always known for being helpful. It’s all “stop asking for mini liquor bottles in the vending machines” this and “there’s no money in the budget for a moving sidewalk because you’re tired of walking to and from your car” that. You’d think an offer to re-record the options on the benefits hotline to include a “please press one if you have no idea what the fuck any of this means option would be appreciated but nooooooo, even if it’s the stone cold TROOF!
Ronald McDonald rushed the stage on open mic night and threw out a comedy routine in the form of doling out some super duper helpful tips on the McDonald’s corporate website. The organization Low Pay Is Not OK released a NSFCP video (not suitable for clown phobias) that shows some screenshots of the site, suggesting ways employees (who are asking for increased wages to keep up IN THIS ECONOMY) can reduce stress and make the best of troubled times.
- Take two vacations a year, it can reduce heart attack risk by 50% (so can not eating their food)
- Singing can lower your blood pressure when you’re stressed (I know I feel better when I belt out this little ditty)
- Breaking your food into small pieces helps you eat less and feel fuller faster (a practice perfected by kids everywhere if the floor in the PlayPlaces are any indication)
- Sell yo shit on eBay or Craigslist to get out from under holiday debt (that sick fuck Mayor McCheese already asked if this means selling yourself and the answer is NO!)
- Quit complaining (I will when you bring back McSalad Shakers)
I’ve gotten more useful advice from my four year old when he said nobody should wear pants after they fart in them because “butt air is dirty”. All that’s left is for Grimace to become the company’s Wellness Cordinator and for that shifty asshole Hamburglar to be put in charge of Security and everybody’s problems will be solved. Keep that pimp hand strong, Ronald!