Hot Slut Of The Day!

Dr. Jack Startz (as played by Rob Lowe under several layers of stretched rubber and a luscious lady news anchor wig circa 1985) from Behind the Candelabra!

Even though I drunkenly watched a fuzzy stream of Behind the Candelabra last night on my laptop in a hotel room in Palm Springs, I was still able to take in all of its Austrian crystal-embedded brilliance. It was like the spirit of Liberace sat on my face and I loved every minute of it. It was perfection from Matt Damon’s Kristy McNichol hair to Carlucci the houseboy’s tight white jeans to Michael Douglas touching every young piece with his eyes to Matt Damon barfing in the back room of a porn store while wearing fur to the dogs constantly barking in the background to Matt Damon pursing his lips at his trick ass replacement.

I didn’t think I would like Michael Douglas as Liberace at first, but when he started to give me Bea Arthur vibes, I got into him fully. Michael Douglas should totally play Dorothy Zbornak in a Golden Girls movie and if they ever plan on making another Liberace movie, a Bea Arthur hologram should play Liberace.

But one of the biggest scene stealers (besides Matt Damon’s bulge in a rhinestone-encrusted Speedo) was Rob Lowe’s stunning constipated cat face and lion-after-a-blowout wig. Dr. Startz was a shady plastic surgeon back then who injected silicone directly into the faces of his patients and put them on the Lindsay Lohan diet (read: eating pills for every meal) before the Lindsay Lohan diet existed. Rob Lowe played that shit perfectly and he looked like a sedated, drunk cat who had trouble balancing the 10 pound Hoda Kotb wig on top of his head. Rob Lowe was my favorite and probably because sometimes I mistook him for a skinny Jocelyn Wildenstein. That is the ultimate compliment.

Yes, everybody involved in the making of Behind the Candelabra deserves all the awards, but Rob Lowe deserves all the awards plus one.