Things That Exist: The Justin Bieber Blow-Up Doll

Because Jerry Sandusky needs something to keep him company in his prison cell, the makers of the Sex in her Shitty and JHo love dolls are giving the world a Just-in Beaver blow-up doll. This December 26th, the sounds of the holiday season will be replaced by the sounds of water sloshing around in rubber rain boots when thousands of Beliebers lose their virginity to their Christmas gift. I’m just going to direct you toward the description for this work of fuckery, because it will make you dry heave from every more than I ever could. via ONTD

Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!

Just like the real thing, you need a bike pump to inflate its wang. No, I can’t. You know what this mess should come with, besides maple syrup lube, a strap-on modeled after Usher’s dick and Kleenex for wiping away the tears you’ll shed after you realize you’re fucking a Justin Bieber blow-up doll? It should come with a visit from a Chris Hansen. I know this blow-up doll is legal, but you should still end up in cable tie handcuffs for buying this shit. I blame Usher, because he’s responsible for creating the real thing and he’s responsible for creating this too (you know he is).