You know when someone is spinning this crazy tale and you know it’s complete bullshit but it’s kind of entertaining watching them elaborate on their ridiculousness so you keep nodding and going “mmmmhmmm, WOW, oh really?” all the while thinking “and then roman candle balls shot out of your ass and spelled TRUTH in the sky? Interesting!” That’s the kind of slow dick pulling that is this latest from the Daily Mail.
Just like John Travolta is a sauna hating vagina aficionado without snap-on Lego hair, Tom Cruise is seriously considering cutting ties with his longest relationship, the CO$, to win back the hand of his lady love Katie Holmes and reunite their family according to this article from The Mail. Yes, the Mail is practically the gospel and would never lie tell, so we can all just accept this as fact and know that somewhere in the dimly lit and overly ornate underground $cientology headquarters, David Miscavige is clinging to a tear stained photo of him and his main ho Tom giving heil Hitleresque salutes in better days.
The article says that according to a source who won’t identify himself for fear of getting disappeared, Tom is becoming “disenchanted” with the church that has cost him wives, family and career. Well Tom, that would be a great epiphany if it actually happened, but I think it’s more like a crack head who blames everyone and everything else as they take another hit behind a filthy dumpster in a back alley instead of in their old comfy digs.
Although if he did actually leave skidmarks on the church as he sped away, maybe I could forgive him a little for the boring ass ball of YAWN that was their divorce. I mean, there we were in the middle of a gossip desert, dying of thirst and rubbing our hands together in anticipation of a long tall drink of clash of the Titans complete with spies, lies, cut brake lines, phone tapping and nightmarish truths coming to light, something that would make the Britney scandal look like a bedtime story, and he donned his highest lifts and pissed all over our dreams. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN TOM. You owe us this.