Lindsay Lohan Blames Her Asthma Flaring Up On Getting Arrested

Because White Oprah was all out of Xanax and her usual illegal pharmacists wouldn’t answer her calls when she hootie-hoo’ed into the alleys, Lindsay Lohan went to the emergency room for an “asthma attack” and caused a distraction so her mother could sneak into the pharmacy and threaten to talk the pharmacist’s nerves off unless he handed over the hospital’s entire supply of benzos. It worked!

Lindsay Lohan’s spokeswhore tells People that an asthma attack sent her to a hospital emergency room in NYC on Sunday night. TMZ claims that LiLo was in the ER for the same “walking pneumonia” that kept her from showing up to a paid job in time. Whatever it was, LiLo was treated and released a quick minute later. LiLo should blame that shit on inhaling two cartons of Parliaments every day (Ma from Ma’s Roadhouse ain’t got shit on LiLo) or she should blame it on partying in the rain the night before, but of course she’s blaming it on the most ridiculous shit ever. A source tells TMZ that LiLo is whining that the stress of getting wrongfully arrested fucked with her lungs and made her “stumbling pneumonia” (even bitch’s pneumonia does the drunk stumble) worse.

I don’t even know why LiLo’s dumbass went to the emergency room in the first place. If she had an infection on the mound of charred charcoal she calls lungs, I’d think she’d just try to kill the sicks by injecting a full bottle of Svedka directly into her chest. Why would she risk getting caught with coke in her lungs by the doctors? What did she say when the doctor put her chest x-ray up to the light and asked her why there’s white powder covering her lungs and why does she have a necklace stuck in there? Well, I guess she said what she always says: “That’s not my x-ray! It’s the black kid’s x-ray!”