Lohan Wants To Make “Thelma & Lindsay” With Jennifer Lawrence

What a fucking mess. She looks mad. Did some Good Samaritan from the dealership finally break into her new ride and install an ignition-required breathalyzer/crackalyzer/delusionalyzer? How this bitch is still let behind a wheel….wait, it’s LA. Nevermind. Lindsay Lohan has Tweeted that she enjoyed Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in The Hunger Games so much that she wants to do a Thelma & Louise remake with her. Geena Davis just looked up from the remnants of her career and pointed her bow and arrow at the Chateau Marmot’s “fucked-up bitches” exit. She’s just waiting.

From Lilo’s Twitter:

Jennifer Lawrence in “The Hunger Games” is genius. I want to do Thelma&Louise w/her but ala Natural Born Killers (style wise) 2 girls-2 guys

That last part sounds like what she ordered from the escort service last night.

Jennifer Lawrence and Oliver Stone probably texted “BITCH IS CRAZY” and “I NO RITE?” to each other after seeing that. There is no way in hades that Katniss Everdeen is going to deign to do a film with Linds’ crackers, no-talent ass. The only way Katniss would ever appear with her on camera is if Lindsay murdered someone with her car and Jennifer happened to be in the background of the crime scene photos.

I’d watch this movie, though. If it was a documentary. And they started at the end. And Jennifer rolled out of the car before it went off the cliff. And White Oprah was in the trunk.

Here’s more pics of Lohan trying to leave Chateau Marmont while smoking and trying to hide from the paps. You know someone is toe up if they think playing “Monkey See, Monkey Do” is masking them from the paps. Vogue up in that motherfuckin’ car, Linds!

The “Man Of Steel” Teaser Trailer Is With Us

And that there is pretty much all the Superman you’re getting in this shit. Here’s the Lana Del Ray (aka “Llama Del Meh” – MK) video-looking teaser for Man of Steel. The clean laundry blowing in the wind, Americana doggies and the lickable Henry Cavill playing Superman working undercover on Wicked Tuna didn’t really give me a geek erection. As a dour friend said – “nothing happens, and then he flies.” But there’s a butterfly!

Fuck Llama Del Meh – it’s Superman climbing The Tree Of Life! Where the fuck is Lex Luthor? Will Amy Adams be spelling “Pulitzer Prize” and “Nobel Prize” over and over while hanging off the Eiffel Tower elevator? Margot Kidder was so fucking good in Superman II. She was such a pointy bitch. She smoked. We need a Lois Lane who smokes. Oh, and Sarah Douglas as Ursa! That ho was hot! “SSSSUUUUPPPEERRRMMAAANNNN!” she called in a mocking, vicious manner as she flipped up the manhole cover and flung it at Supes (6:10). How that doesn’t make the opening reel of Hollywood classics at the Oscars every year I’ll never know.

Er, here they are. Kevin Costner does the voice-over for the first one. There’s an alternate version with Russell Crowe under it. I guess it depends on which voice you want to fap to? They’re both pretty boring.

Seriously, he’s a tuna fisherman?

Katherine Jackson, Phone Home

Something in the Jesus Juice ain’t clean. An unnamed nephew of Katherine Jackson filed a missing person report with the LAPD last night. I don’t know any of the facts or even what’s going on until I read the source but I automatically blame the husband. Joe Jackson looks like the most malicious, conniving, squatting toad ever, and the type of person who would buy a stolen baby on a soap opera and then sell it to the mother’s best friend. I watch the remnants of ABC Daytime. I know what goes on.

TMZ sez that Mrs. Jackson’s grandchillun have been unable to reach her for over a week. Paris Jackson has been Tweeting about how Gramma is evidently holed up with Carmen Sandiego at an undisclosed location somewhere and it’s scaring her people.

TMZ:

“yes, my grandmother is missing. i haven’t spoken with her in a week i want her home now.”

She followed that up with a plea for people to call the authorities if they see her, then added, “the same doctor that testified on behalf of dr murray saying my father was a drug addict (a lie) is caring for my grandmother… just saying.”

I’ll move past Paris stating MJ didn’t have a drug problem. Also note that Katherine’s legal eagle told CNN that she doesn’t go 24 hours without checking in on Paris, Quilt, and the rest.

This is all oddly timed. Some of the Jackson kids are currently trying to get the executors of MJ’s estate to step down citing mismanagement, and the kids are claiming that Katherine suffered a small stroke from all the stress. Jermaine Jackson was telling people earlier this week that she was resting in Arizona under doctor’s orders. So – a good portion of the family isn’t feeling that story? Jermajesty, come get your lyin’ ass daddy.

The cops are taking this seriously, too. They’re trying to reach the old gal, and are publicly urging her to get on the clamshell and let them know she’s not in a basement somewhere with someone putting a pen in her hand and puppeteering her signature on shit.

If there was ever a time for Detective LaToya Jackson to suit up and grab her magnifying glass, it’s now. Find Momma J, Toy Toy!

In other news, the Jackson kids must be relieved that their gross Dad was the one beating them. Because Katherine’s got HAND. Imagine that walloping your face?

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

Sjakie, a baby sloth at the Burgers’ Zoo in Arnhem, The Netherlands, and its teddy bear mommy. 

Well, here’s a little quick, pick-me-up awwww to get your day started before you stumble off to get drunk on communion wine at Sunday mass. Not long after Sjakie was born on May 19th, the zookeepers noticed that it (Note: The zookeepers don’t know if Sjakie has a sloth snatch or a sloth peen yet, because sloths’ genitals are inside their bodies. They’ll have to do an ultrasound later to find out. And that is today’s lesson on the crotch parts of sloths.) was whining and crying about something. When they examined Sjakie closer, they found that it was seriously thirsty for leche. Sjakie was dehydrated and its mom was not producing enough milk for it. The zookeepers tried to bottle feed Sjakie themselves, but that almost ended with their skin getting torn off, because baby sloths like to hang on to their mommy with their claws while eating. They tried a dozen other things and nothing worked.

But then a 2-year-old girl came along and knew what was up. She threw a “been there, done that” wink at Sjakie and gave it one of her teddy bears. That was it. Sjakie’s new mommy had been found. Spiegel Online says that Sjakie happily clings on to its teddy bear mommy while the zookeepers feed it all the good shit it needs. Sjakie still spends most of its time with its real mommy and only canoodles with its teddy bear mommy when it’s feeding time. Zookeepers said that sloths often piss on stuffed animals, so they had to get Sjakie another teddy bear mommy that they can wash. (“Where can I get an application for the job of teddy bear mommy to a baby sloth?” – Kim Kuntrashian)

Here’s a few more pictures of Sjakie and its teddy bear mommy for you to wrap your heart around. If you have hangover eyes like me, then you’ll probably say what I said when I first saw these pictures this morning: “That is the most adorable coconut with limbs I’ve EVER seen!” 

Birthday Sluts

Willem Dafoe (57)
Selena Gomez (20)
A.J. Cook (34)
Franka Potente (38)
Rufus Wainwright (39)
Rhys Ifans (45)
Irene Bedard (45)
David Spade (48)
John Leguizamo (48)
Joanna Going (49)
Rob Estes (49)
Keith Sweat (51)
Alan Menken (63)
Albert Brooks (65)
Don Henley (65)
Danny Glover (66)
George Clinton (71)
Alex Trebek (72)
Terence Stamp (74)
Louise Fletcher (78)
Oscar de la Renta (80)