Presenting Mrs. & Mrs. ROJO CALIENTE!!!

Duchess Kate and Prince William’s tiny little vow exchange in that small church has been knocked down to the second most important royal wedding of this century now that Rojo Caliente and her ginger queen are married! Even though I haven’t even seen one picture from the ceremony and they could’ve gotten married in the break room of a Subaru dealership for all I know, I can still say this it was the most beautiful and greatest wedding of all-time! I was going to pour a little ginger beer in my morning coffee anyway, but now I have a real reason to do so. Cynthia Nixon’s rep tells People that after being engaged for 3 years, she can now say the words millions of people wish they could say, Rojo Caliente is her lawfully wedded wife!

“On May 27, 2012, Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Christine Marinoni, were legally married in the state of New York. Nixon wore a custom dress by Carolina Herrera.”

Cynthia’s rep says “On May 27, 2012 Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Rojo Caliente, were legally married” but I say, “On May 27, 2012 the sanctity of marriage got a ginger breath of life!!!!!!”

This is the reason why the sun shines on all of us in NYC today. Not because there’s no clouds or anything. But because the humanized form of one its rays, Rojo Caliente, married the woman she loves. Congingerlations to our new reigning ginger gayelle queens and my favorite couple next to vodka and soda. This news calls for a soundtrack!

Why Are People Eating Each Other?

I’m still trying to get over that story about the Japanese guy serving his guests WAY TOO FUCKING ORGANIC sausage, and now Clarice Starling better get her good handbag and cheap rube shoes to Miami! A police officer shot and killed a naked man who had eaten another man’s face off. I don’t recall Dorothy and Rose including that bit in their “write a jingle about Miami” contest entry for the tourist board.

The grotesque nightmare began around 2 PM on Saturday when a Miami police officer spotted a nudie cutie dining on another guy’s face on a bike path off the MacArthur Causeway. When the officer (who I fucking hope gets next week off) asked Leatherface to stop chowing on the other guy’s mug, Leatherface declined and kept right on munching. Well, he got shot and killed.

The victim is said to be alive and in critical condition at Ryder Trauma Center at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Cops are saying that he appears to have been a homeless man, and that “cocaine psychosis” might have been the cause of the perpetrator’s nudity and cannibalism.

What are they cutting the cocaine with down in Miami? The goo from Prince of Darkness? He couldn’t have been that psycho if he disrobed so he wouldn’t get any face bits on his clothing.

And why am I the guy who has to post about people eating each other?!? Oh, who cares. DListed is the balls. Thanks for reading, guys. If you’re into naked dudes and…well, mostly naked dudes – come see me over at my day job at Manhunt Daily.

Reunited And It Feels So Eh

The newest (not really) trend in the City of Shiny Money-Grubbin’ Tramps is to break up and then HINT that you might be reconciling. Do it at someone’s birthday party! Or do it on stage during the finale of your reality show! Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, and her gigantic buttocks came together in Las Vegas for the live finale of their reality show – Q’Viva! The Chosen. I love that title. It sounds like they’re going to save the world from Loki, but do it in a very telenovela dramatic cunt way with hair-flipping, insanity eyes, paternity reveals, and lots of men being tape-gagged. I’m not being pervy, every telenovela I’ve seen there’s a dude with his mouth taped. Univision is kinky.

Hold up. I just checked out the show’s website, and who is the caramel sauce that needs to be on my vanilla sundae? He’s Jamie King and he’s worked with pop music’s finest. He was the one responsible for Old Lady Madge at the Superbowl! Did he choreograph the part where her gout made her stumble on those bleachers? Nevertheless – hi Jamie! I need something choreographed. It involves our penises.

Back to the boring part. J. Lo and vampire made them gasp, scream, and shit when the two judges strode out near the end and hugged and held hands. This could be a humanitarian effort on Jennifah’s part. Marc is down to bones and dust and needs to feed on her curvy parts to revitalize himself. It’s only right. He is the father of her children (not that Casper one).

Check out the pics of their “reunion” in the gallery. If I was one of those “body language experts” (is that a full-time job?) from In Touch or some other pamphlet, I would translate this as “thinly disguised hatred but sharing an addiction to attention.”

Don’t Fuck With The Lesbeaver

Someone’s balls finally dropped! And all it took was getting his Target junior miss stripey sock being exposed! Justin Bieber is supposedly wanted for assault. It’s like you just read Lindsay Lohan is wanted for her acting abilities! A member of the paparazzi has learned that you don’t get in front of Hilary Swank’s car without paying the price. That price being hearing damage from an angry falsetto voice squeaking at you, and possibly your t-shirt being untucked after a gangly youth “came at you, bro.”

TMZ sez that Justin was with his abuser Selena Gomez at a mall in Calabasa, CA when a photog wouldn’t move aside from in front of his car. Bieber puffed up his…gaucho pants with the paisley bandana accents(?)…exited his car and put the Heisman on that ho. The pap called the po-po, but Bonnie and Clyde 2012 (Mary Lay Latourneu and Villi Edition) had already fled the scene.

The “victim” was unable to use his camera anymore due to chest pains (and the dollar signs obscuring his eyes) so he was taken to a hospital, treated and released. The cops are calling it a misdemeanor battery and looking to question Bieber. You know he’s walking around the kitchen all shaky, regaling his bodyguards and family with the story of how he beat that guy’s ass, while Selena frowns and wonders why she’s hanging around with his androgyny when she could be having a train run on her by One Direction. Way manlier.

Witnesses at the scene say that a guy claiming he was an attorney came out of the crowd after Bieber left, and urged the injured party to file a complaint and ride in an ambulance because there could be cash involved. Always trust legal counsel whose client base consists of people he met on curbs.

This coud be some Legend Of Billie Jean shit. Go on the run, Bieber. You’ve got her haircut already.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The Beer Can Popsicle! My stat counter tells me that 99.9% of you are lying on a lounge chair in your backyard preparing to put yourself in a deep Cool Whip, hot dog and sweet nectar-induced coma. No, that doesn’t mean that only members of the Spears family read my ass. That means it’s Memorial Day! If you’re like me, then you’ll spend your Memorial Day getting drunk on beer and sugar with your family on a grassy lawn in the crackhead park near your apartment. But sometimes holding a paper bag-wrapped beer can in one hand and a sugary popsicle in the other is HARD work. That’s why the beer can popsicle from Diablo Royale restaurant in NYC was invented! It’s beer and a popsicle in one so you just have to strain one hand. Or you can do what I do, lie face up and stick the beer can popsicle in your mouth and let it naturally melt down into your throat tunnel. That’s the American way!

via Urban Daddy

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