Lindsay Lohan Will Be At The Oscars In Five Years

Nowadays, the only Oscars Lindsay Lohan will be invited to is the duplex apartment of her dealer Oscar Garcia who wants her to come by to test taste a new kind of liquid coke that can easily pass for lemon lime Gatorade. However, LiLo’s hoping that around this time in 2017 she’ll be a guest at the other Oscars. LiLo’s routine “I IZ SOBERZ THIS TIME, GIVE ME A JOB” interview aired this morning and I’ve already covered most of the shit that slipped out between her pool noodle lips, but she was also asked about Whitney Houston’s death (*crickets*) and said that she hopes in fives years she’ll be at the Oscars. Obviously, LiLo still has charred ass lips from not being nominated for her whore de force performance in I Know Who Killed Me. Below is a piece of LiLo’s interview this morning (the bright shiny gem of delusion is at the 3:18 mark):

What LiLo should’ve said is that in five years she hopes she has surgically removed her leech of a mother from her ass, has a fresh new wig on her head that doesn’t look like a Sally’s Beauty Supply special and has animatronic cheeks that can move by themselves. Ho is so obsessed with the Oscars. Who does she think she is? Sean Young? Bitch wishes. Sean Young wouldn’t have half-assed the delusion either. She would’ve come to the interview wearing a Faviana original and carrying a fake Oscar trophy from Party City. There can only be one Sean Young, LiLo, so stop trying.

And why is she blaming her past love relationships on most of her fuck ups? Unless the names of her past lovers are Rock Crackson and Cokie Cokesters, she has nobody to blame but herself….and her pieces of shit parents…..and her plastic surgeon….and that wig.