Hot Slut Of The Day!

The must-have phone of the 80s: the clear phone! If you grew up in the 80s, then the clear phone was probably on your birthday, Christmas, 8th grade graduation or inaugural menstrual celebration list at one point or another. It was a vibrator for your ears and everybody had to have one. And it lit up! If your best friend had a clear phone and you didn’t, you’d willingly ruin your friendship with them by stealing it. (But eventually, you’d willingly ruin your friendship with them by fucking their boyfriend on their daybed, so you did the right thing. Your friendship with them was doomed to end since you’re a thief and a slut.)

My mom didn’t think I was old enough for my own phone in the 80s, so I had to wait until the early 90s to get a clear phone when it was already over. But I didn’t care. I also didn’t care that my mom didn’t get me the official clear phone from Spencer’s Gifts and got me a piece of trash knock-off clear phone from the swap meet instead. It was never worked and was a piece of shit, but not your regular piece of shit. It’s like if you saw a regular piece of shit on the street, you’d just say “That’s a piece of shit!” and keep walking. But if you saw a clear piece of shit, you’d be hypnotized by it for a second, because you’d get to see all of the inner workings that make it a piece of shit.

I don’t know where my clear phone is today, but wherever it is, I’m sure it’s entertaining the eyes of many by being a dazzling piece of shit. I hope it never changes.