Good news for Pirate Kiefer! Bad new for Christmas trees. Kiefer Sutherland might not have to go to the clink for bringing down his mighty head on a trick’s nose! In case you smoked up the part of your brain that held this insignificant information, let me give you the quick fire version. At a party earlier this month, Kiefer headbutted Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough in defense of Brooke Shields. Kief thought Jack knocked Brooke over. She later denied it. Then she later admitted. Blahs. Blahs. Blahs.
Well, Kiefer frolicked on over to Jack’s side and made pretty with him. Now they are the bestest friends ever! They went out and bought a split “Best Friends” pendant. They made each other friendship bracelets. And they even bought a star together and named it “CoKi” in honor of their beautiful new friendship. No, that didn’t happen, but they did make-up. Kief’s rep said that he is sowwy about what happened and wishes Jack well. Because Kief apologized, Jack will no longer testify.
Since there is no complaining witness anymore, the prosecution’s case against Kief isn’t very strong. This means it’s likely that he will get to skip away without being prosecuted!
Hopefully, Kief finally learns his lesson. You can’t just go around headbutting bitches. You have to ask first! You have to get permission to headbutt. You know, if Kief came up to me in a bar and politely asked if he could headbutt me, I’d probably say yes. Well, first I’d wonder if he was asking me to do some kind of kinky (and potentially really painful) sex act. Then I’d examine the size of his head. Then I’d wonder what kind of lube we should use. Then I’d definitely say sí!