Prince William

Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in "Jodie Marsh" as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate's vagina royale and not a future queen.

My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he's going to get a nephew. Some source said this:

“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to ­anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”

People shouldn't be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William's kid too, because that's the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.

I guess Prince Hot Ginge doesn't need to get drunk in Las Vegas to pull his wand out and play with it. Sometimes he does it in the middle of the day. As Duchess Kate laughed and thought to herself, "Watching Harry play with his wand is actually my job. I love life!," Prince William smiled to keep himself from crying while he wondered why she's not smiling at his wand. What's wrong with his wand?!!!

Prince William, Duchess Kate (with a half-blood prince in her womb) and PHG went to the inauguration of Warner Bros. Studios in Leavesden, Hertfordshire today and they visited several Harry Potter sets, jumped on the Bat Bike from The Dark Knight Rises and got a wand lesson. The three of them looked like Ron, Hermione and Harry: The Later-ish Years.

And I take back that Prince William thing I wrote in the first paragraph. He's not wondering why Kate isn't happy to see his wand. He's looking at his wand and wondering what the hair growing spell is. Is it Propecius Groweth? Or maybe it's Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia?

Here's more of PHG, DK and PW at Warner Bros. today. It's nice to see Kate wearing something from the Big Business maternity collection.

UsWeekly (via HL) says that Duchess Kate and Prince William have already picked out a full name for the fetus royale that is baking in her womb. Duchess Kate and Prince William haven't confirmed that they're having a girl in July, but some source says that they are having a girl and they already know what name they're going to write down on the royal birth announcement scroll. Unfortunately for Morrissey, they aren't going with his personal choice for a name: Princess Scroungina Welfarelle of Wales. Right now, they call their fetus "little grape," but when she's born they're going to call her Elizabeth Diana Carole. 

Queen Elizabeth will knock the crowns off their heads with her pocket book if they don't name the future queen after her, so that's why they're naming their daughter Elizabeth. Elizabeth is also Kate's mother's middle name. They chose Carole as a second middle name, because Kate's mom is named Carole and Carole is also the Latin variation of the name Charles. Her first middle name will be Diana for obvious reasons.

BOOOO! Boring and basic name, but what did we expect? Elizabeth, Diana and Carole sound like the top 3 most popular girl names of 1956. There goes my dream of those bitches naming their kid Harryella Waity of Wales. And I can't be the only one who saw the name "Diana Carole" and figured that Kate and William's favorite Dynasty character is Dominique Deveraux.

Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.

The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:

"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."

The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.

And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.

Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.

Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."

Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.

Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.

You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt

Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"

It's one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words "over the moon," but it's an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn't even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren't that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she's going to be a grandma would've made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:

"The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she’s very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons.”

We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping "over the moon" out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we're now making people who literally can't say it, say it! We have got to do better. It's as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute.... Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won't do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.

Here's Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight's premiere in London.

YAASS! I've been waiting for Morrissey's thoughts on Duchess Kate's pregnancy and condition, because he loves the British royal family so much that he dresses up like Queen Elizabeth when he jacks off to a picture of Prince Philip. Morrissey is a natural born cunt, but he turns his cuntiness all the way up when it comes to the royal family and he hasn't disappointed me this time.

According to Morrissey, if Duchess Kate wasn't a STUNT PRINCESS who only checked herself into the hospital for attention, those Australian DJs never would've pranked the hospital and Nurse Jacintha would still be alive today. Prince William, Queen Elizabeth and Duchess Kate should all be charged with murder and sent to the gallows! For the record, Prince William and Duchess Kate put out a statement about how sad they were about Nurse Jacintha's death, but it's not enough for Morrissey! Morrissey mouth farted out this mess of words to New Zealand's 3News (via USA Today):

"There's no blame placed on Kate Middleton, who was in that hospital, as far as I can see, for absolutely no reason. She feels no shame about the death of this woman. The arrogance of the British royals is ... absolutely staggering. Why it's allowed to be, I really don't know."

Morrissey then squinted his eyes about Kate's health:

"Is it anorexia or is it pregnancy? ... I mean, morning sickness already? So much hoo haw and then suddenly as bright as a button as soon as this poor woman dies she's out of hospital? It doesn't ring true. [The Palace is to blame for putting] maximum pressure on this poor woman, and of course, that's kept away from the press. Certainly in England ... one cannot say anything against them."

Oh Morrissey, keep being you, keep being you. I'm actually surprised that Queen Elizabeth hasn't called MI6 and told them to take care of Morrissey. She probably has, but every time 007 tries to off Morrissey, Morrissey goes on and on about how James Bond is Queen Elizabeth's butt boy and a disgrace to England and blah blah blah... James Bond rolls his eyes, gives up and goes to the pub instead.

Every time Morrissey hates on the royal family, one of the Queen's corgis shits on a wee wee pad with his face on it.

Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate's nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:

"SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy."

Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha  Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn't punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.

There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen's corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn't not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn't be blamed. As for me, I'm on the side that isn't saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.

Duchess Kate and the most important fetus in the world were released from King Edward VII Hospital this morning after being treated for the extreme shits and barfs. Duchess Kate will now go back to her palace where she'll lay on her princess canopy bed and ring a crystal bell every time she needs to vom onto her handmaiden's lap. Since Duchess Kate is on bed rest, she is unable to fulfill her daily duties of waving at her subjects at the opening of a new garden or whatever, so The Palace announced that England's Finest Rose (official royal title) and the true Princess of England Jodie Marsh will fill in for Kate until she's well enough to wave at her subjects at the opening of a new garden again.

Don't bother trying to buy Duchess Kate's coat online. It's SOLD OUT. Those suede boots (Note: The princess is truly magical, because her suede boots are staying up without the help of a rubber band)? GONE! Those black tights? You can only get them in charcoal. The scarf? You can't find one anywhere. Bitches are even dying their old ivory scarves that color, so periwinkle RIT dye is sold out too. Yellow roses? Nowhere to be found. Go out to your backyard and I'm sure your ass will see that your yellow rose bush is gone. Everything Kate touches, sells out immediately. Even the world's supply of Bumpits is running low, so get one while you can.

Speaking of Bumpits, the Palace should probably block all of Kate's calls and e-mails from Jersey. Because Snooki recently gave her some advice and now here's Kate wearing a Bumpit. Shut it down now before Kate starts rubbing orange-tinted cocoa butter on her belly and is seen buying Absolut Baby Bottles at Bargain Booze.

Duchess Kate officially has a royal case of the babies and she's laid up in the hospital, because she can't stop barfing. The Palace announced the news today:

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby. The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news. The Duchess was admitted this afternoon to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter.

December 3, 2012 is the day where I felt jealousy toward a fetus, because it will get its first vodka shot from Prince Hot Ginge at Christmas dinner in a few years and it gets to sit on PHG's lap whenever it wants. And I really hope Prince William and Kate name their kid "Morrissey."