Kate Middleton

YAASS! I've been waiting for Morrissey's thoughts on Duchess Kate's pregnancy and condition, because he loves the British royal family so much that he dresses up like Queen Elizabeth when he jacks off to a picture of Prince Philip. Morrissey is a natural born cunt, but he turns his cuntiness all the way up when it comes to the royal family and he hasn't disappointed me this time.

According to Morrissey, if Duchess Kate wasn't a STUNT PRINCESS who only checked herself into the hospital for attention, those Australian DJs never would've pranked the hospital and Nurse Jacintha would still be alive today. Prince William, Queen Elizabeth and Duchess Kate should all be charged with murder and sent to the gallows! For the record, Prince William and Duchess Kate put out a statement about how sad they were about Nurse Jacintha's death, but it's not enough for Morrissey! Morrissey mouth farted out this mess of words to New Zealand's 3News (via USA Today):

"There's no blame placed on Kate Middleton, who was in that hospital, as far as I can see, for absolutely no reason. She feels no shame about the death of this woman. The arrogance of the British royals is ... absolutely staggering. Why it's allowed to be, I really don't know."

Morrissey then squinted his eyes about Kate's health:

"Is it anorexia or is it pregnancy? ... I mean, morning sickness already? So much hoo haw and then suddenly as bright as a button as soon as this poor woman dies she's out of hospital? It doesn't ring true. [The Palace is to blame for putting] maximum pressure on this poor woman, and of course, that's kept away from the press. Certainly in England ... one cannot say anything against them."

Oh Morrissey, keep being you, keep being you. I'm actually surprised that Queen Elizabeth hasn't called MI6 and told them to take care of Morrissey. She probably has, but every time 007 tries to off Morrissey, Morrissey goes on and on about how James Bond is Queen Elizabeth's butt boy and a disgrace to England and blah blah blah... James Bond rolls his eyes, gives up and goes to the pub instead.

Every time Morrissey hates on the royal family, one of the Queen's corgis shits on a wee wee pad with his face on it.

SCA, the company that owns Australia's 2Day FM, has permanently shut down Mel and Michael's radio show, stopped all advertising on 2Day FM and pressed pause on future pranks until further notice. Before Mel Greig and Michael Christian were handed pink slips, they gave an interview to A Current Affair and cried while apologizing to the family of the nurse who committed suicide after their royal prank.

Mel and Michael weren't paid for talking to A Current Affair, apparently. A Current Affair's Tracy Grimshaw asked them how the prank came to be and who was their target. While looking like a pile of pure sad, Mel said that the prank was just supposed to be some silly thing and nothing more. Their awful British accents were supposed to be the target of the prank. Mel thought they'd get the dial tone as soon as the receptionist heard them talking like Fat Bastard. When Nurse Jacintha Saldanha picked up the phone, because the receptionist was away, and immediately transferred the call, Mel and Michael thought they were being sent to a complaints section where all pranksters are sent. They thought every radio host in the world pranked the hospital.

Mel and Michael found out about Nurse Jacintha's death on Saturday morning and said they think of her family every single second of the day. They both said several times during the interview that even the Florida psychic who Lindsay Lohan punched couldn't have predicted that their dumb prank would've ended like this. As Mel broke down, she said this:

"There’s not a minute that goes by where we don’t think about her family and what they must be going through and the thought we may have played a part in that is gutwrenching. These prank calls are made every day, on every radio station, in every country around the world and they have been for a long time and no-one could’ve imagined this to happen."

They both played dumb when Tracy asked them about the usual protocol of their prank calls. Mel and Michael said that they're just simple pranking puppets. They do the pre-recorded prank and pass it off to whoever, and whatever happens after that is beyond their control. Since there's really no HIPAA laws in Britain, SCA says that they didn't do anything illegal, but are still cooperating with the investigation. SCA's legal department reviewed the prank before it went to air. This isn't the first prank that got 2Day FM into trouble.

As everyone has said before, this is the only time in history when I actually want to see Ashton Kutcher's face. I really wish Nurse Jacintha was still alive and that the hospital was pranking Mel and Michael back. I watched that interview waiting for Ashton to jump out and shout, "You've been PUNK'D!"

And since I am a superficial piece of trash and whatever brain cells I have left live in my ass lips, I did think to myself, "That Michael Christian dude is kind of hot."

via News.com.au

Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate's nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:

"SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy."

Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha  Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn't punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.

There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen's corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn't not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn't be blamed. As for me, I'm on the side that isn't saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.

The "I Don't Like Jokes" tag has never been more appropriate.

Two days ago, Australian radio hosts Mel and Michael put on their worst British accents to try to talk to Duchess Kate at the hospital she was staying in. They pretended to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles and they didn't think they would get through since they butchered the British accent more than Brit Brit has. But they did get through. A hospital receptionist immediately transferred them to the nurse taking care of Duchess Kate. And now that hospital receptionist is dead.

The Daily Mail said that her body was found this morning at an address really near King Edward VII Hospital where she worked. When the paramedics showed up to the address, she had already passed away and they couldn't revive her. Scotland Yard is treating her death as a suicide. And no, now is not the time for our MI6 jokes.

The hospital hasn't commented on this, but yesterday, a spokesperson for the hospital spoke out about the prank and called it "foolish" and said they were reviewing telephone protocol. Mel and Michael also released a statement yesterday saying they were sorry and didn't think their prank would go very far:

"We were very surprised that our call was put through. We thought we'd be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents. We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well."

Damn, and the hospital receptionist had a husband and two kids. One minute, she's falling for a dumb prank and the next minute she's committing suicide. That escalated quickly. Duchess Kate hasn't even been knocked up for five seconds and a life has already been lost. Sadness all around.

UPDATE: A spokesperson for King Edward VII Hospital said that the nurse who was found dead is Jacintha Saldanha. Answering the main line wasn't even part of Nurse Jacintha's duties. The receptionist needed to step away from the phones, so Nurse Jacintha was helping her out. In a statement, Prince William and Duchess Kate said their "thoughts and prayers are with Jacintha Saldanha’s family, friends and colleagues at this very sad time."

Duchess Kate and the most important fetus in the world were released from King Edward VII Hospital this morning after being treated for the extreme shits and barfs. Duchess Kate will now go back to her palace where she'll lay on her princess canopy bed and ring a crystal bell every time she needs to vom onto her handmaiden's lap. Since Duchess Kate is on bed rest, she is unable to fulfill her daily duties of waving at her subjects at the opening of a new garden or whatever, so The Palace announced that England's Finest Rose (official royal title) and the true Princess of England Jodie Marsh will fill in for Kate until she's well enough to wave at her subjects at the opening of a new garden again.

Don't bother trying to buy Duchess Kate's coat online. It's SOLD OUT. Those suede boots (Note: The princess is truly magical, because her suede boots are staying up without the help of a rubber band)? GONE! Those black tights? You can only get them in charcoal. The scarf? You can't find one anywhere. Bitches are even dying their old ivory scarves that color, so periwinkle RIT dye is sold out too. Yellow roses? Nowhere to be found. Go out to your backyard and I'm sure your ass will see that your yellow rose bush is gone. Everything Kate touches, sells out immediately. Even the world's supply of Bumpits is running low, so get one while you can.

Speaking of Bumpits, the Palace should probably block all of Kate's calls and e-mails from Jersey. Because Snooki recently gave her some advice and now here's Kate wearing a Bumpit. Shut it down now before Kate starts rubbing orange-tinted cocoa butter on her belly and is seen buying Absolut Baby Bottles at Bargain Booze.

Duchess Kate officially has a royal case of the babies and she's laid up in the hospital, because she can't stop barfing. The Palace announced the news today:

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby. The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news. The Duchess was admitted this afternoon to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter.

December 3, 2012 is the day where I felt jealousy toward a fetus, because it will get its first vodka shot from Prince Hot Ginge at Christmas dinner in a few years and it gets to sit on PHG's lap whenever it wants. And I really hope Prince William and Kate name their kid "Morrissey."

Two British royal smackdowns took place today. First, THE QUEEN beat her advisors and travel agents with her pocketbook, because if she took the trip to the Soloman Islands instead of Prince William and Duchess Kate, she would've been the one being carried on a throne by a harem of shirtless man pieces. Second, Prince William and Duchess Kate's lawyers were in court in France this morning to stop Closer from continuing to publish pictures of the royal nipple plates everybody has already seen, and they won.

The BBC says that a French judge ruled that Closer can't print anymore issues with Kate's chichis on them and they have to hand over all digital copies of the pictures. If they don't hand the pictures over within 24 hours, they will be fined 10,000 euros a day. The judge said this after slapping down Closer Magazine and for a much more dramatic effect, read this in Highlander's French accent:

"These snapshots which showed the intimacy of a couple, partially naked on the terrace of a private home, surrounded by a park several hundred metres from a public road, and being able to legitimately assume that they are protected from passers-by, are by nature particularly intrusive."

Closer and the pap who took the pictures both face criminal charges and the French court has hired Inspector Jacques Clouseau to investigate this. The ruling only covers France and doesn't affect Italy's Chi Magazine  (they should've temporarily called it Chichis Magazine for this very special edition) and Ireland's Irish Daily Star who both published the pictures. Chi's editor isn't afraid of getting sued, but the editor of the Irish Daily Star has been suspended and the newspaper's co-owner might shut that shit down.

The blurry pictures of Kate's half-risen soufflé titties will live forever on the Internet and in our brains, but I will gladly forget I ever saw them and never speak of them ever again if the royal family makes a fair trade. I'll glamour out the memory of seeing Kate's tits for blurry pictures of Prince Hot Ginge's royal ginger rod taken 300 yards away with a Fisher Price toy camera. Or I'll trade them for a picture of PHG holding a Flaming Hot Cheeto puff on his crotch. I'm not picky. While THE QUEEN thinks over this offer, let's dance (ff to the 2:09 mark):

It's like watching my abuelita try to Vogue after taking one sip of sweet wine. Slay the beat, Willy!

Oh look, that hot bitch of Borneo is making the same face most of us made when looking at Duchess Kate's nipples. It's one of those "And? Can she shoot diamonds out of her nipples, because I am failing to see why tricks are freaking out over this?" looks. That hot bitch of Borneo has its tits out every day and nobody's freaking out over them or splattering them on the cover of Closer Magazine. But they totally should...

Believe it or not, Duchess Kate and her sun-thirsty nipples haven't been banished to gallows for shaming the royal family. Kate and Prince William kept their Tour of Asia going and today they visited a rainforest in Sabah, Borneo. (I know, I didn't know there was a Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse ride in Borneo!) During their visit, William and Kate were hoisted up some tree and my guess is that they were training for the day when they scale down the walls of the base where PHG is staying at to get his ass out of there. Because the Taliban killed two US marines today while trying to get at PHG. In other words: Harry, you in danger, ginge.

Above is Duchess Kate during happier times at reception in Singapore two days ago when she had a touching and intimate moment with a glass of water. "I like you. We have the same personality" is probably what Duchess Kate said to her new best friend. But now Kate's smiley face is a frowny face, because Closer Magazine put her titties on display and she's gonna get those French bitches for it.

Duchess Kate and Prince William lit the canon and shot over a lawsuit to France's Closer for fucking with her privacy by publishing pictures of her nipples-in-waiting. Lawyers for Kate and William are speeding this shit up and their case will be heard in France on Monday. A rep for St. James Palace released this statement and I'll be really disappointed if it wasn't read off of a scroll by a dude with a fluffy feather in his hat:

“Their Royal Highnesses have been hugely saddened to learn that a French publication and a photographer have invaded their privacy in such a grotesque and totally unjustifiable manner. Their Royal Highnesses had every expectation of privacy in the remote house. It is unthinkable that anyone should take such photographs, let alone publish them.”

Apparently, this is a big deal, because the Royal Family barely ever sues the media and they didn't sue anybody for those magical pictures of Prince Hot Ginge in Las Vegas, but they should. We should all file a civil lawsuit against the dumb dumb skank who took those pictures. I mean, how can you have a naked PHG in front of you and a camera phone in your hand and not get an up-close shot of his royal ginger dick rod winking at you? PHG is a British soldier, so to get him to lift his hands off of the ginger goods, just start humming God Save The Queen. He'd have to lift his hands to salute. (No, I'm not above using the UK National Anthem to trick a ginge into exposing the peen.) We should sue the picture taker for not coming up with that.

Here's more of Duchess Kate having a special date with water.

I know, here we were all thinking that the British royals aren't allowed to ever take their clothes off and always wear nipple-to-ankle underwear with cut-out crotch holes for peein' and matin' and that's it, but nope. Seeing Prince Hot Ginge's glorious undercooked pancake ass cheeks, Prince Philip's censored Loch Ness crotch monster and Prince William's NSFW peen busby taught us that the British royals can get nekkid. And now it's Duchess Kate's turn to join the club.

While Duchess Kate sunbathed with her nipples out on a private estate in France, some pap hung upside down from a tree 200 yards away, stuck his 50 foot lens on a potato camera and took blurry pictures of her half-nakedness. Since the British media will be flogged 25 times in the mouth with The Queen's pocketbook if they expose the royal nipples, they declined buying the pics from the pap, so the pap sold them to the French tabloid Closer. The British royal family is disgusted this morning and not because they just watched Camilla slurp cooked oatmeal out of her feedbag while Prince Charles polished her toes with his tongue (a trick he learned from Fergie). They're disgusted because Duchess Kate's privacy was invaded and the BBC says they're considering throwing a lawsuit at the pap and Closer. Closer's editor defended publishing the exclusivité pictures by saying this:

"These photos are not in the least shocking. They show a young woman sunbathing topless, like the millions of women you see on beaches. What we saw in the pictures was a young couple that have just got married, who are in love, who are beautiful. She's a princess of the 21st Century. They [the couple] are on the terrace of a mansion in the south of France which is not far from a road along which cars pass without any problem. They are visible from the street."

Egotastic has a lot of the pictures and there's really nothing scandalous about them. Yes, Duchess Kate has nipples, but you can barely tell that they're nipples. If you told me Duchess Kate and Prince William were playing a strange British royal game where they have to balance extra large Hershey Kisses on their chests and she's in the lead, I'd believe you. And don't think we're going to see THE QUEEN'S nips anytime soon. Right after these pictures went public, QEII called Kate up and said, "Dumb trollop, this is why I always wear union jack pasties. I'll send you a pair."

And here's Prince Willy and Duchess Kate at a mosque in Malaysia this morning. The woman throwing a "BEHOLD! The royal nipples!" look is giving me life.