Feet

Putting your hooves through some serious pain must be the thing to do this week.

Julianne Moore sent all her piggies scrambling for air when she shoved all of them into tiny shoes. And now here's Kim Kartrashian with her feet packed so tight into her shoes that they look pig's feet wrapped in plastic. Your feet should not look like they belong in the refrigerator at 99 Ranch Market and my abuelita should not want to use them to make sopa.

What's the point of being pregnant if you're not going to sprawl your ass on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Hershey syrup and Fluff? Oh, I guess the point for Kim is to strangle her body with ridiculous clothes and give birth to a baby she can whore out for an extra check. I get it, but DAMN. Bitch's swollen hooves look like they need to be hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV full of fluids.

And on another note, why is dressed like Jor-El?

You probably already shook your head at the dim-brained trick who let that infamous Russian tattoo artist give her the worst facial ever by allowing him to ink his name onto half of her face. Bitch let him do this just 24 hours after meeting him, because she thinks their love is eternal. The only thing that will be eternal is her debt after she pays thousands of dollars to try to get that mistake lasered off of her face. But anyway, that leads me to another tattooed work of beauty...

After John Travolta caused the Super Bowl blackout by blowing a fuse when he plugged his travel-sized vibrator into a socket in the men's bathroom, Jenny McCarthy got a tattoo while waiting for the game to start up again and she tweeted (via UsWeekly) the end result to all her followers. This busted tattoo would've never happened if Jenny slapped down tattoo needles the same way she slaps down vaccination needles. That rose tattoo looks like something a 16-year-old circa 1989 would get in her friend's garage after she got drunk on wine coolers. I bet Warrant was playing when Jenny got that tattoo. If the tattoo you want to get looks like the wallpaper border in somebody's grandma's powder room, think twice before getting it.

Even Bradley Cooper wouldn't slap his peen on Jenny's foot.

Here's Jenny at a pre-Super Bowl party with Kendra Wilkenwhatever in New Orleans over the weekend.

Who cares if this is just another story that's trying to kill the rumor that Bradley Cooper has a peen fetish, this is kind of Bradley Cooper news I want to hear about.

InTouch Weekly says that B. Coop wants to be a Dr. Scholl corn remover in his next life, because he wants to be stuck to a delicious foot all the time. Jennifer Lawrence introduced B. Coop to a model named Laura Simpson and they went out on a few dates, but she dumped his ass, because he was obsessed with her hooves and kept asking her for pictures of her feets and it grossed her out. Some source said this:

“After a bunch of dates, things got very awkward. He was always touching her feet. It was weird, so she broke it off. [They had] six real dates and were hooking up for about a month."

So, B. Coop wants to suck your big toe like it's a hard dick and your response is, "EWWWWW"? B. Coop wants to stick his dick between your toes and your response is, "EEEEEK"? Either this story is fake or this Laura Simpson trick doesn't appreciate the pleasures in life. If that was me, I wouldn't even care if B. Coop kept calling my foot "Victor." I'd be all about it. Lick it, clean it, choke on that sock lint, bitch!