Well, if you cut yourself on St. Angie Jo's shank-like knee cap, you can stick Brad-Aid Pitt over your boo boo to stop the blood from gushing everywhere.
You know, if you were able to bet your entire dildo collection on what color Angie would wear to her premiere, we'd all have more dildos, because we'd all bet that she'd show up wearing the color of our hearts. It's pretty much a given that St. Morticia will always hit the red carpet in bone-to-bone black. She didn't disappoint at the Kung Fu Panda premiere in L.A. earlier this morning when she wore an outfit that's usually seen on a Benihana hostess in mourning. But Brad Pitt stole the shine from her by dressing like a human skid mark. The only way Brad's ensemble could be more perfect if it was in velour and he was wearing it on a Segway while whistling at the honeys in a park in Boca. An outfit like that should come with a cigar and a bag of chewy candies.
And believe it or not, Brangie weren't the only ones at the Kung Fu Panda premiere. I KNOW! There were others! Others like Jack Black, Marcia Gay Harden (who showed Angie up in a major way), Lucy Liu, Dustin Hoffman and James Hong.
During an interview with Extra for Kung Fu Panda Express: Search for the Eternal Tangerine Chicken (or whatever the hell that shit is called), St. Angie Jo was asked about the greatest mystery since Flo Rida's hairline. Early last month, Brangeloonies everywhere stuck their eyeballs to their monitors when Angie was photographed with a 7th coordinates tattoo on her arm. Angie has the coordinates of the birthplaces of all of her chirruns tattooed on her skin twig, so some figured that a new member of the child army was about to get enlisted. But since most Brangeloonies of the highest order already have Brad's birthplace coordinates tattooed on their outer labia, they solved the mystery right away.
When dude asked Angie about it, a contorted look of HUH? took over her face. It's like he asked her to name a color other than black or beige. Or asked her what her shit smells like. Or asked her to explain what food is. You know, things she knows nothing about! But then she got it and answered the question with a subtle eye slap.
"Well, if they know that it's latitude and longitude they would have figured out quickly that it was Brad's birthplace. It doesn't take much investigation to figure that one out. It's Shawnee, Oklahoma."
Angie performed that quote for you at the 5:30 mark below. Skip to that mark if you don't want to listen to Jack Black and Angie Jo talk about cartoon animals like they're real-life people!
And here's Angie, Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman at the Panda Express photo call in Cannes today. It's a good thing that panda is fake, because if it wasn't it would definitely mistake Angie for a long piece of dried bamboo.