Larry, Please

As a southern US girl, I am often confronted with the “redneck” tag. Everyone thinks we all have no teeth and stand barefooted and bare-gummed in the front yard with a baby on each hip while our other 11teen children run amok underfoot. For some southerns that may be true, but let’s listen to the wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy to sort it all out.

In OH NO HE DI’INT! news, Larry has thrown down the gauntlet (ty snowpiece!!) regarding what it means to be a redneck. In a video on TMZ, he says that YES he is a redneck. But NO he is not a Honey Boo Boo kind of redneck (fade to black, then to Honey Boo Boo Chile wiping the sweat and sketti sauce from her brow). OMG Larry. Trailers will burn, and tooth will chatter.

It’s kind of funny that I have an inside look at all of this. No I am not a redneck, but I know Larry’s kind of redneck and I know Mama Junes’ kind. And sorry to shade on your parade Larry, but you are thisclose to being one in the same. Rednecks, while an adorable in some ways breed, share a common je ne sais quoi denial about their position in life. You are not a thinker. You are not savvy. You are a redneck. It’s okay, revel in the simplicity of it all as you lovingly hand wash your flannel shirt with the arms cut off. We’ll wait.

It’s kind of like your family reunion, where your always too drunk aunt accosts your always too pilled out aunt about her life decisions. Beautiful, yet train-wrecky and misguided. And the best part is you get to laugh your too drunk and too pilled out ass off at it all, because you came prepared. Yeah, like that.