While watching JLola's "Fresh Out of the Oven" video, you may be waiting for a 1-900 number to pop up, but unfortunately it never comes. Instead you gets a zillion shots of her "Looweebatons," her scarecrow wig, her red lips and her shadow dancing moves (Paula Abdul just filed a copyright infringement lawsuit for that one).

If the song alone made your ears close for business, then brace yourself for the video, because it taints all your senses. You know, for a song that talks about cookies and ovens, you'd think JLola could throw in a shot of a delicious pie. Even a close-up of a half-eaten Donette would be better than seeing her damn ass shoes over and over.

If you'll excuse me, I must go watch Rocky Horror Picture Show to cleanse myself of this mess.

via Just Jared

This is why Posh is a super alien from a far off planet. Any other ho who wore ankle-breaking stilts on a daily basis would have feet like a dead chicken, but not Posh! Posh is still able to glide around like her feet are wrapped in clouds from heaven. Shit, she probably falls and breaks her bones whenever she tries to walk in sneakers. Bitch has talent.

Here's Posh going to the yogurt store with her boys yesterday. Posh didn't get her own yogurt, because she gets full just from staring at it for a few quick seconds. Another talent!

Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.

Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.

Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.

Source

And now your loins can exhale, because Levi Johnston's Playgay spread has made its way onto their website. Levi already said that he's not going to drop his Alaskan meat on our foreheads, but he does give us some pubes and full nalgas. Levi's built like a soft-serve cone and his nalgas aren't going to win contests anytime soon, but my no-no isn't going to bitch or moan. It takes what it can get.

I'll stop, so that you can get to the goods already after the jump. By the way, this is not PORN. It's in black and white, so that mean this is high-art. Just tell yourself that while you pinch at your nipples and flick your taint. Also, his Bristol tattoo really adds the touch of elegance this phoot really needed.

UPDATE: Images removed per request, but you can skip on over to Playgirl and drop a few coins to see the nekkidness.

Sandahl Bergman - Broadway star, stuntwoman and more importantly, the glamorous swordstress Valeria in Conan the Barbarian.

Sandahl was mostly doing Broadway stuff before she landed the dreamiest of dream roles - a muse in Xanadu! Most of us would've ejaculated all of our insides at even the thought of being a part of that disco gay butt fuck masterpiece, but Sandahl managed to hold herself together. After she finished creating gay magic, Sandahl went on to make cinematic history by playing Valeria in Conan. She has also been in Red Sonja, Airplane II, All That Jazz and Designing Women. That is everyone's DREAM resume!

And if you still are convinced of Sandahl's innate glamour, I present this to you:

It's a wrap!

(For Dominique)

Bjork (44)
Jena Malone (25)
Ryan Starr (27)
Cherie Johnson (34)
Ken Griffey Jr. (40)
Troy Aikman (43)
Nicollette Sheridan (46)
Cherry Jones (53)
Lorna Luft (57)
Goldie Hawn (64)
Harold Ramis (65)
Juliet Mills (68)
Marlo Thomas (72)

Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!

So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny. (CDAN)

Homegirl was probably waiting for Tank Jones to pull his moves on her, because who can resist that giant ball of hot sex? Anyway, my guess is Levi Johnston and Olivia Wilde?

This female singer has a very unique hair style. She said she came up with the idea on her own. I'm sure she did after the fact. It was necessitated though by the fact she got into a fight with her idiot A list singer/producer boyfriend who took a pair of scissors and cut huge chunks of hair off our female singer's head. (CDAN)

Rhymes with Assy and Pity?

This married/aging actress has put up with a lot throughout her celebrity marriage. She’s practically raised the kids on her own, dealt with scandals and cheating and still managed to put on a happy face on the red carpet. Within this next year, she plans to finally leave her husband and make the divorce public. The current final straw? Not other women or drugs, but an addiction to World of Warcraft. We kid you not. Not Catherine Zeta Jones. (BuzzFoto)

My first thought was SJP and Matthew Broderick, because I can see him getting the butt tingles for the shirtless elves.

The fashion critics basically said they would rather do themselves in the ass with a porcupine than wear any of the clothes from LiLo's debut collection as the "artistic adviser" of Ungaro. Emanuel Ungaro himself said the whole thing was a disaster. So it's no surprise that Ungaro's chairman Asim Abdullah is telling the label's CEO Mounir Moufarrige to send LiLo back to the crackhouse upon which she came from (aka White Oprah's house) .

According to Page Six, several department stores refuse to carry Ungaro as long as LiLo is involved. A source who has seen e-mails between Asim and Mounir said, "Asim wants her out now. Department stores in the States have already told him they won't be picking up the line if Lohan remains a collaborator, so it's a serious issue. Mounir wants to keep her on because it was his idea to hire her in the first place. He's trying to save face."

My guess is that department stores are just sore in the ass about LiLo because they know she Winona Ryder-ed them out of thousands of dollars worth of clothes and they can't prove it!

Although, I have a feeling that if department stores did carry Ungaro's shit without security tags, even LiLo wouldn't snatch that crap for fun.

How does purdy Zac Efron always keep his locks looking like he just finished up a 5-hour hair-pulling gang bang? You'll be surprised to hear that it doesn't involve mangel or blow jobs from a hair dryer.

When asked about the secret to his luscious locks, Zac puckered up both lips and then said, "I've never told anyone this before. This is a hair scoop. Shower before you go to bed, and then sleep on your wet hair. Towel-dry it. In the morning, it's all messed up naturally. If you have that messed-up thing going when you wake up, it's more willing to stay that way. That's Zac's hair tip."

Zac's pillow must look like Xtina's used toilet paper - all wet and covered with bronzer.

I will still try out Zac's hair tip even though my abuelita always warned me that sleeping with a wet mop is one of the quickest ways to welcoming pneumonia into your life. If that's how this story ends, Zac will be receiving my bills from La Clinica Mobile.

Here's Zac and his pillow hair leaving a London studio today.