Do you believe in magic? You do? Good. I’m going to let you in on something. What the ancients called “magic” is what we today call “science.” So let’s get in my time machine and go all the way back to a special time called 2014. (Flashing lights. Thunder. Bam.) And we’re here! This is the year that things started to get real ~cRaZy~ for the littlest ass wart, Justin Bieber. Look. That’s his neighbor’s house he egged to prove what a big boy he was becoming. Well, yolk – I mean joke was on him, because bitch got caught and was given probation, community service and a fine. But back to the present. His probation is up. Ugh.
Despite having trespassed on private property and vandalism, Justin, sadly, did not get the punishment he should’ve. He narrowly avoided becoming the lil’est bad boy of the prison yard and instead continued his reign of terror on the helpless public. TMZ reports that Justin’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, went to the court on June 9th to end Justin’s probation a month early because he’s apparently impressed the people at the Probation Department so much. He performed 40 hours of community service and paid the neighbor $80k in damages. The request to end his probation a month early was granted, and now he’s free.
Bieber also got really lucky. TMZ says that Bieber’s Cleveland ass-whooping happened only a few hours before Shawn Holley went to court. Holley got to court before the news broke, and therefore helped Justin dodge a potential parole violation.
TMZ repeatedly calls him a “free man” in the story and I take issue with that. Man? Man?! Does a man horrify the public with these? No. Does a man do this to his fans? No! Which brings me to the fact that the Probation Department was apparently impressed with how well behaved Canada’s biggest brat has been for the past two years. What? Just to name a few of his heinous actions in the past two years: subjecting a majestic tiger to his douchey presence, terrorizing Mexican ruins, and worst of fucking all, being rude to Bette Midler! Good behavior my fanny. He should be locked away for at least a lifetime just for the Bette Midler snub.