Even A Bright Red Titty Escape Dress Can't Make Kristen Stewart Happy
The always effervescent Kristen Stewart has three facial expression modes for the world - "Sullen," "Sneering," and "Stoned." Last night at the Cannes premiere of boyfriend Robert Pattinson's Cosmopolis, it was the first two on the menu. You'd be sullen, too, if you borrowed Jessie J.'s stylist and the wacky queen chose a dress that made your titty buds look like they're fighting over who gets the B cup status tonight. And that nipple! It's almost there! Just let it be great, K. Stew!
After much deliberation, I've determined there could be three possible reasons for why Kristen Stewart is so stank-looking all the time:
1. She thinks she might have something on her teeth. You know people get OCD about something in particular? A former co-worker was always asking people to check "her grille" for stray food particles and her nostrils to make sure there were no "bats in the cave". Or, all the finger-sucking has fucked with her teeth and she's hiding them.
2. She thinks that all of this publicity is silly, and just wants people to let her practice her craft. Bella just wants to achieve true artistry! The problem is that she hasn't given a good performance since playing Jodie Foster's transgender daughter in Panic Room. The artistry ain't coming!
3. She's a cunt.
It could be #3. Seriously, if being rich and famous is such a burden, step aside. I'll take over. J. Harvey can play an ineffectual girl in the woods in love with sparklepires. I'll squeeze my moobs into that dress. Shit, I'll make Christina Hendricks feel deficient.
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The dress is a stunning color but the lace cheapens it. So does the sullen poseur wearing it.
P.S. I worry about Theron being such friendsies with this non-talent: they must be imbibing in bowls together. Now that I think about it, I can totally see the 2 blowing blunts.
She's a pretty girl (those ears notwithstanding) but her sexy for me.
Submitted by dementa on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 7:11pm.
Submitted by Hockey fan on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 5:56pm.
http://satireknight.wikispaces.com/file/view/motivatoree3485244e86150465...
You notice she dyed her hair darker, presumably because her totally average brown hair doesn't exactly fit the black hair that Snow White is supposed to have.
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Ugh. Just....ugh.
No offense (bc yeah, I sleep with a woman) but this is what gives lesbians a bad name. Dykey, trailer trash man-like garbage. Just not. My. Cup. Of. Tea.
She's def of the lavender persuasion though.
Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:05pm.
HAHAH! There's so much unmitigated fineness in the world of hockey that it's a good thing their faces are obscured by the masks. How else would I be able to concentrate on the game?
Hockey fan - Lindqvist is smokin'. I was in the waiting room at the lady doctor and I was reading a profile on him in Sports Illustrated. Let's just say, seeing him helped me relax. A little.
^^^
He relaxes my chocha, let me tell you. And cosign on the whole "fine hockey dudes are distracting" bit. I may be a slut but hockey players just do it for me. (Sorry to the guys on this list.)
And Dog, you can root for whomever you like. It's a free country.
I will never understand why she keeps getting roles; Twitards do not care about her (or anyone else in that film) when she's not playing Bella. I don't have anything against the rest of the Snow White cast, but I really hope it fails.
i hate this bitch.
For the longest, thought that was a boy in Panic Room!
J Harvey hit that nail on the head,
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Maybe I don't quite grasp the definition of "shy," but how is she not too shy to be the center of much attention on movie sets? She must not be too shy to audition for parts...even as a child, she sought out the limelight. And yet we are to believe she is too shy to smile for the cameras on the red carpet and pretend to be happy, as actresses are paid to do? Just goes to show you: crappy actress, pain in the ass person.
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"Zahara wore her signature double shank eye..." --MK
Another fucking narcissist bitch. Oh Poor me I'm famous, Poor me I'm making loads of money,Poor me people take my picture, Poor me I'm fucking a hot guy. Gee, life is really tough.
This cow is so bitter she shits lemons.
She might be a sour faced bitch and a bad actress but she has the most amazingly flawless, alabaster skin. Not a damn mark on her. I've got a thing about clear skin (Reese Witherspoon is another one with flawless skin).
While I've been blessed with blotchy, ruddy, acne prone skin. Genetics are a bitch lol.
She makes my inner lesbian quiver.
I dunno, I guess I am in the minority but I think she just either doesn't get the whole publicity charade quite yet or she truly really, really doesn't feel she can do it well. Plus, those crazy Twilight fans would bring the stank eye to anyone I think.
Remember Keanu Reeves when he was this young? Perfectly nice and very down to earth guy but usually came off as an airhead or a cunt in interviews.
NO. Just...no.
I am...doll parts...bad skin...doll heart.
So she's a pretty girl Timbersteen =P.. No hate I'm teasing... Anyhow, don't know if it's been said, but this bitch always looks dirty and grosses me out more than the weenie eaters.. well, almost.
She's a pretty girl (those ears notwithstanding) but her ignorance kills all the attractiveness for me. She opens her mouth and everything that comes out of it sounds so uneducated and incoherent. It's painful to hear her try to express herself.
She's a pretty girl (those ears notwithstanding) but her ignorance kills all the attractiveness for me. She opens her mouth and everything that comes out of it sounds so uneducated and incoherent. It's painful to hear her try to express herself.
She's a pretty girl (those ears notwithstanding) but her ignorance kills all the attractiveness for me. She opens her mouth and everything that comes out of it sounds so uneducated and incoherent. It's painful to hear her try to express herself.
Submitted by McFlea on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:30pm.
Shy people don't publicly whine that nothing bad has happened to them, do the Avril Lavigne sneer'n'middle-finger, or yowl "fuck everyone!" during a movie premiere. Those are the actions of a snotty spoiled ingrate bitch, not a shy person. And I don't see how shyness would result in any of those things.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
"Give me a break! So what? I don't live in New York but I love the Jets, does that make me a criminal? "
No, no. Not at all. I'm completely of the to each his/her own philosophy. No judgment. Just unexpected, that's all.
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:37pm.
"Still love baseball and the Yanks but the past couple of years I've been less attentive."
Wait a minute. You're a MA native who hates hockey and roots for the hated Yankees? My mind: it is blown.
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Give me a break! So what? I don't live in New York but I love the Jets, does that make me a criminal?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
"Still love baseball and the Yanks but the past couple of years I've been less attentive."
Wait a minute. You're a MA native who hates hockey and roots for the hated Yankees? My mind: it is blown.
Totally off-topic. I'm watching 'The Tudors' and although I haven't thought about him years, I'm happy to report that I still apparently find Jeremy Northam fine as hell. Carry on.
Sadly, because I know my history *spoiler alert* I also know his character is doomed :(
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
Hate "Twilight". Love her. She's shy - and shy people can come across as assholes. She looks spectacular in that dress, and anyone who says otherwise has already stir-fried their genitals.
Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:05pm.
No worries. I used to get that way when I'd speak to Yankee fans. Still love baseball and the Yanks but the past couple of years I've been less attentive.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by quickkill on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:19pm.
She looks like she has bad manners. Just like that tasteless middle finger shot she gave to Charlize Theron at a movie premiere. She looks uncouth to me.
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She does and she is.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
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She looks like she has bad manners. Just like that tasteless middle finger shot she gave to Charlize Theron at a movie premiere. She looks uncouth to me.
"Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:05pm.
Never liked it. *shrugs*"
That's OK. It's the only sport I follow so I get excited when I find fellow fans. People look at me like I have rocks in my head when I say I don't like/follow baseball or football.
Btw, the link below pertains to Rick Astley, not hockey.
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
Submitted by kikichanelconspiracy on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 8:05pm.
Never liked it. *shrugs*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
I'd consider letting her take my lesbian virginity. I, too, think she's real purdy.
I'm not really offended by her lack of constant visible appreciation for being rich and famous. The only thing that might get annoying is the nervous twitchiness. Maybe it's not as bad when she's just hanging out.
"Aw, well, since you asked so nice, Kiki...of course. Go Devils! And I would love a threesome with Zach Parise and Marty Brodeur...oh wait, was that last part out loud?"
HAHAH! There's so much unmitigated fineness in the world of hockey that it's a good thing their faces are obscured by the masks. How else would I be able to concentrate on the game?
Hockey fan - Lindqvist is smokin'. I was in the waiting room at the lady doctor and I was reading a profile on him in Sports Illustrated. Let's just say, seeing him helped me relax. A little.
Dog - As a fellow MA native, how did you miss the hockey train (genuine curiosity)? Also, I present: http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mo...
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It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
hi All. long long time lurker finally joining the fray.. er fun :)
agree with the earlier commenter re: smiling. i have noticed lots of folks seem uncomfortable when 1 of us women folk are not smiling. i have had complete strangers come up to me on the street and tell me to smile... i don't know squat about this actress but to me she seems young and shy and just a lower energy person compared to others. not mean or anything.
"I (almost) never look back, darling. It distracts from The Now." = Edna 'E' Mode
I can't get that Rick Astley song outta my head!!!!!!
*howls*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Hockey fan on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 5:56pm.
http://satireknight.wikispaces.com/file/view/motivatoree3485244e86150465...
You notice she dyed her hair darker, presumably because her totally average brown hair doesn't exactly fit the black hair that Snow White is supposed to have.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 6:44pm.
Dog, and he still has a georgous ass! :P
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Hawt.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Wow - his Depends really got into a twist, eh?
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"Taylor has an unfair advantage. Bitch never has to buy lube since her eyes are greasier than the peen of the lone top at a gay orgy." - MK
Dog, and he still has a georgous ass! :P
No, he wasn't kidding at all! WE'LL DO IT LIVE! FUCK IT!
Meanwhile, they kept rickrolling him. The awesomeness of it and shows he has zero sense of humor.
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Dark-sided!
GG, Rick Astley was a cutie so you did good.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
IF, bwaaahaaahaaa that shit was funny! Bill is a dick! Pompous ass!
:/ No, Dog he didnt.
IF, that can't be real! Was he kidding? It's just a damn rickroll! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Shows just what a pissy little bitch O'Reilly really is.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Dog, the best Rickroll EVER was when Bill O'Reilley's staff pranked him and he totally freaked out! Have you seen it? Awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIcx_rxTstc
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Dark-sided!
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 6:36pm.
Dog, that's what my husband looked like in high school!
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Like a cute hoody doody in a trench coat? How thweet. Did he do that up and down pump thing with his wittle fists, too?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Dog, that's what my husband looked like in high school!
WHY does this bitch look like SHE SMELLS LIKE PISS NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS ..OR WHAT SHE'S WEARING !!!!
She smells like the kind of girls that piss anywhere, anytime ... Regardless of a silly toilet.
I fucking love you Mr. K !!!
I just checked my email for the first time in a week and got rickrolled. I mean, really? People still do that crap? Ugh. He's a cute red-haired midget, though.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
that's a I'm hot, single and ready to mingle/ "this old thing?" dress.(you're still just a poser Kris,get real!)
....^.-....
"I knew that with a mouth like mine, I just had to be a star or something." - Barbara
Submitted by crazyinjapan on Sat, 05/26/2012 - 5:46pm.
Stone me to death if you must, but I think KStew is really pretty.
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*whispers* I do too.
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The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl, is ready to PARTAY!
:( I was stone sober!