As expected, the mutant Chilean pork rind Snooki began her journey to the title of Mother of 2012 by doing what every new mother does: announce her pregnancy on the cover of a tabloid for a cashiers check and a 9-month supply of prenatal ecstasy pills.
Looking like an over baked Jay Leno as a Disney cartoon princess, Snooki tells UsWeekly that the hairless Ewok fetus in her vodka-soaked womb is 15 weeks old and she found out she was fist pumping for two a few days after New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas. I’d be more disturbed if Snooki didn’t get her fetus drunk, because if I was that fetus, I’d be sucking every last drop of booze from the umbilical cord to escape the pain of knowing who my parents are. Turn that umbilical cord into a beer bong (umbilical bong?), Baby Oompa Loompa!
The once pouf-haired star and LaValle discovered the news “right after New Year’s,” she said. Snooki’s first thought? “‘Shit, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.” she admits.
“I have different priorities now,” reformed party girl Snooki says. “I don’t care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”
Adds Jionni LaValle: “We are not going to screw this up.”
I’m trying to see this apocalypse-summoning news like this: Snooki and Jionni’s idea of not screwing up would be if their little Pickleina Karma LaValle didn’t grow up to be a fame whoring, pickle juice-brained reality star. And the future shit talking blogger cunts of the world need somebody to make fun of, so I just see this as the circle of snark. That’s if humanity doesn’t drown in a tidal wave of pickle juice, jacuzzi water and kamikaze shots when Snooki’s water breaks on December 21, 2012 (the gestation period of an Ewok is 12 months).
And I HATE Snooki for wearing a necklace that looks like Pocky Sticks. Must this bitch ruin everything?