OMG! The Mayans Were Right!

March 7, 2012 / Posted by:

As expected, the mutant Chilean pork rind Snooki began her journey to the title of Mother of 2012 by doing what every new mother does: announce her pregnancy on the cover of a tabloid for a cashiers check and a 9-month supply of prenatal ecstasy pills.

Looking like an over baked Jay Leno as a Disney cartoon princess, Snooki tells UsWeekly that the hairless Ewok fetus in her vodka-soaked womb is 15 weeks old and she found out she was fist pumping for two a few days after New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas. I’d be more disturbed if Snooki didn’t get her fetus drunk, because if I was that fetus, I’d be sucking every last drop of booze from the umbilical cord to escape the pain of knowing who my parents are. Turn that umbilical cord into a beer bong (umbilical bong?), Baby Oompa Loompa!

The once pouf-haired star and LaValle discovered the news “right after New Year’s,” she said. Snooki’s first thought? “‘Shit, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.” she admits.

“I have different priorities now,” reformed party girl Snooki says. “I don’t care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”

Adds Jionni LaValle: “We are not going to screw this up.”

I’m trying to see this apocalypse-summoning news like this: Snooki and Jionni’s idea of not screwing up would be if their little Pickleina Karma LaValle didn’t grow up to be a fame whoring, pickle juice-brained reality star. And the future shit talking blogger cunts of the world need somebody to make fun of, so I just see this as the circle of snark. That’s if humanity doesn’t drown in a tidal wave of pickle juice, jacuzzi water and kamikaze shots when Snooki’s water breaks on December 21, 2012 (the gestation period of an Ewok is 12 months).

And I HATE Snooki for wearing a necklace that looks like Pocky Sticks. Must this bitch ruin everything?

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >