Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.

Jakey Gyllenhaal And Chris Pine Will Make Beautiful Music Together, Maybe…

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella’s Prince and Rapunzel’s Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella’s Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they’re splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven’t put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto’s partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as “brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed.” Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world’s premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe’s singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don’t care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here’s a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they’re able to sing is when they sing into each other’s butts. It’s what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here’s Chris Pine at last night’s L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.

Just Another Florida Christmas Pastime

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it’s pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor’s yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can’t trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

Zachary Quinto Subtly Steps Out Of The Glass Closet

A “Yes, Spock Likes The Cock!” cover of People Magazine and a media parade where he somersaults down the street in a rainbow leotard while shooting glitter our of his b-hole is not Zachary Quinto’s style, so he decided to be a little more subtle on you bitches for his big coming out. Yeah, yeah, Zachary Quinto brushing his luscious otter brows against man nips in the early morning hours is a surprising revelation right up there with “sneezing chihuahuas are silly,” “anuses are wrinkly,” and “Trace Cyrus is scared of snakes,” but he said the words out loud while talking about his new movie Margin Call with New York Magazine. Queen Toe talked about doing the plays Angels in America, dropped his thoughts on Occupy Wall Street and then nonchalantly flicked the gay fact into New York Magazine’s lap:

What was terrifying?
Just the sheer scale of the play to begin with. And then I just think revisiting that work and revisiting the themes of that work at a time when the political and social climate of the country is shifting so dramatically and so irreversibly, to really come up against the echoes of that hatred and that bigotry and that fear that still exists in our culture, just in a different context now — you know, I feel it was just a really interesting exploration for me.

Doing that play made me realize how fortunate I am to have been born when I was born. And to not have to witness the decimation of an entire generation of amazingly talented and otherwise vital men. And at the same time, as a gay man, it made me feel like I — there’s still so much work to be done. There’s still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed. The undercurrent of that fear and that, you know, insidiousness still is swarming. It’s still all around us. To revisit that world at all, it took a toll on me. It definitely was an incredible experience but it was really daunting at times.

What do you think is gonna happen with Occupy Wall Street? Do you think it’s gonna fizzle or grow week-by-week?
As a left-leaning Democrat, I feel a sense of resonance with their position, but as a citizen of this country, I feel deeply unsettled that people are rising up in movements against one another. It feels like we’re missing the mark. I just think it’s all broken. I think our financial system, so many aspects of our social connections, seem fractured. And I think it’s a really tenuous time for our country. I don’t know what will happen going into this election year. It seems like the Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street — there’s such tremendous disparity right now. It’s like, you have the legalization of gay marriage in the state of New York and three months later you have Jamey Rodemeyer killing himself, yet another gay teenager bullied into taking his own life. And, you know, again, as a gay man, I look at that and say there’s a hopelessness that surrounds it. But as a human being, I look at it and say, “Why? Where is this disparity coming from and why can’t we as a culture, as a society, dig deeper to examine it?” We’re terrified of facing ourselves, we’re terrified of what we’ll find and so, instead, we seem to waste time and energy with small-mindedness and intolerance and with bigotry and with hatred and with fear. And those things are just gonna — no matter if it’s Occupy Wall Street or any other social or political or financial issue, we’re hurtling towards something that is really scary to me.

If a celebrity wants to shout that they’re gay on the cover of a weekly magazine, then I say whatever works for them and their publicists. It all helps. I mean, if my teenage self saw Ricky Martin screaming SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!!! on the cover of a People en Español at the Stater Bros. checkout line, it might’ve inspired me to be more over-the-top Norma Desmond-ish about my official coming out scene. Mine was totally boring. I just said “going to hang out with my boyfriend,” or something like that, when my mom asked me where I was going. I knew that she knew before I knew. But now I wish I would’ve jumped up at the Thanksgiving table and shouted SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!! I might not ever get to shout the words SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!! again.

That being said, I still like the way Zachary Quinto eloquently and casually dropped it like it’s not a big deal and isn’t breaking news. That’s pretty much how you do it.

UPDATE: And for Zachary’s own words on this, click here.

And yes, this still calls for a leche party!

Is Stealyoncé At It Again?

Beyonce’s (I’m too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for “Countdown” is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there’s some shots that are almost identical.

This isn’t the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn’t stealing.

But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must’ve taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I’m just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.

via ONTD

There Can Only Be One Mermaid In A Wheelchair

Lady Gaga took a break from sucking the queef bubbles out of Madge’s vadge and claiming it as her own, and instead Xerox copied some shtick from Bette Midler’s act. Bette Midler has long done the mermaid in a wheelchair thing, and at a concert in Australia the other night Caca rolled onto the stage in a mermaid body bag. Caca’s entourage got egged by a bunch of people who weren’t happy about her glamorizing disabilities. (Sidenote: Bette Midler would never get egged, because it’s obvious that she’s sympathizing with disabled merpeople through her art.)

Caca also got egged again on Twitter by Bette Midler herself who was not happy about the blatant thievery. Don’t screw with Delores Delago! I’ll let Bette take it from here:

I’m not sure @ladygaga knows that I’ve performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people — and many of them are still alive…..

15 Jul

Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it’s because it is!You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it

16 Jul

Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid’s mine

20 hours ago

Of course, a few Little Monsters displayed the love and acceptance their Mama Monster preaches by calling Bette a “disrespectful cunt” who needs to “STFU.” HA. I love it.

Bette is probably joking, but I still say she should throw a net over that salty rotten kipper Caca and launch her jacking ass onto one of the Deadliest Catch boats. Until Ariel becomes a paraplegic, there can only be one mermaid in a wheelchair!

Here’s Lady Xerox in NYC this morning.