Category: What The Fuck Were You Thinking
A Singer Supposedly Got A Tattoo Of Harry Styles On Her Face
I am constantly amazed by the amount of stupidity people will endure just for a little bit of attention. And I’m not talking about go-to fame whores like the ones from reality TV. I’m talking about the kind of folks who show up on our timelines because they do something really idiotic and then we have no idea who they are fifteen seconds later. Let me introduce you to one of those people: Kelsy Karter, a singer or whatever. If musical superstardom never takes off for her perhaps she can find a new career as founder of the One Direction Hardcore Face Tattoo Club. And Kelsey will be the president, vice president, and all of the members because she’s probably the only Directioner who’d actually pull this shit. And that’s saying a lot.
Donald Trump Served Cold Fast Food To The Clemson Tigers
You know, it wasn’t that long ago former first lady Michelle Obama was trying desperately to assist in healthier eating habits for all Americans. That said, I’m sure when she heard the news that Donald Trump served cold, greasy fast food during a White House dinner for the visiting national college football champion Clemson Tigers, it took every security detail around to hold her back from rolling up on him and cursing him out for undoing all of her work.
What In 1970s Prom Hell, Christina?
Christina Hendrix showed up to the 5th Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Pacific Palisades, CA yesterday, and for some ungodly reason she chose the Napoleon Dynamite reject outfit above to wear to the event. NO. Awkward Family Photo 70s tux/doily combo Christina…really?? I can’t.
I know that the whole world yells at her to put her ridiculous pillowlicious chi chis away once in awhile but this is taking it way too far. That “ensemble” is tata jail. Illegal. FREE THE TATAS!!! And not only is it tata jail, it’s face/hair/shoes/body/all of it jail that sucks the life from everything else in a 5 mile radius into a vortex of fuckugly. We’re so sorry Christina!!! Please please PLEASE bring back the tatas. We’ll even seat them in the front row so they feel special.
Did Christina plan this outfit, or was she attacked by my Grandma’s window sheers and ridiculously long dresser runner before falling into a “vintage nobody wants” Goodwill box on her way to the red carpet? I don’t know. All I know is that the next time someone shades her for always having Tha Girls on display, she should show them this picture and they will immediately retract their statement and fluff her boobs for her. Everybody wins.
Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Got Pre-Divorced Too!
Speaking of has-been weddings…
Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.
No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.
Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.
Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.
First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.
And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.
Pics: Splash
What The Hell Did I Just Watch?
The music video for Sia’s song “Chandelier” features Maddie Ziegler of Dance Moms flailing around in some Gummo-looking apartment and the whole thing is like snorting meth out of a rusty tail pipe. So when it came time to for Sia to perform “Chandelier” on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Maddie was MIA (probably recovering from the week’s worth of tetanus shots she had to get after dancing barefoot in that filthy crack den) and instead we got Lena Dunham in a $10 Cindy Brady wig dancing like nobody was watching.
I don’t know how to describe what I just watched better than saying it was as if interpretive dance swallowed a handful of expired quaaludes and crashed a high school talent show. No wait, it was like watching the Spring Break baby of The Good Humor Man and Judy Jetson stumble around after huffing all the freon from the back of her father’s truck. It was so weird; I kept pausing the video to see if Harmony Korine was hiding somewhere on stage with a Sony Handycam. Even Lena Dunham looked confused, but it could have been because she’s not used to wearing so many clothes. “A shirt AND a jacket??? Please don’t tell me I also have to wear pants.”
However, what Lena Dunham did was like watching Bob Fosse possessed by the ghost of Martha Graham compared to Jennifer Lopez on The Tonight Show last night. Jimmy Fallon pulled the “Tight Pants” sketch from the recycled ideas bin, and he and JLo dressed up like two budget Peter Brady dolls and did the twist. Well, Jimmy did the twist; JLo looked like she was fighting against a brain aneurysm:
I’d say Lena Dunham could teach JLo a thing or two about movement, but that’s not saying much. A sex tape starring Ed Grimley would be less awkward and cringeworthy than Jennifer Lopez trying to dance like a dork.
Not The Face! Not The Face! Zac Efron Gets Cold Cocked In The Mouth By A Homeless Man On Skid Row
In “Girl, stop fucking with your beauty” news, TMZ says that the prettiest princess to come out of the Disney kingdom, Zac Efron, got another blow to his Maybe He’s Born With It face on Sunday when he got into a fight with a group of homeless people on Skid Row in Downtown L.A. There are two reasons to go to Skid Row late at night if you’re not homeless: 1) DRUGS and; 2) To put on a white blonde wig and sing the part of Audrey in a re-enactment of “Skid Row” from Little Shop of Horrors. The second one is a definite possibility, but I’m going to guess that Zac made a trip to Skid Row to get him some bad shit.
TMZ says that just after midnight on Sunday, the cops saw Zac and his bodyguard fighting with 3 homeless dudes. The cops broke up the fight and then questioned Zac. Zac told the police that he and his bodyguard were driving through Skid Row when their car “ran out of gas” and as they were waiting for a tow truck to come and get them, he threw a bottle out of the window and it broke near the group of homeless dudes. The homeless dudes came at Zac Efron’s bodyguard and Zac got out of the car to help. Zac trying to help his bodyguard led to him getting “cold cocked in the mouth” by one of the homeless dudes. I’m not into rough trade, so when I Google “Zac Efron cocked in the mouth,” this is not the story I want to see.
The police didn’t put anyone into handcuffs, because they labeled the situation as “mutual combat.” One source said that Zac was “obviously intoxicated” (read: on some shit). Zac went to rehab twice last year for a coke addiction and last November he busted his pretty when he “slipped and fell” on a puddle outside of his house.
The “Skid Row” part of L.A. is near a lot of clubs and restaurants in Downtown, so Zac could’ve been telling the truth, but survey says: NO. But really, Skid Row?! I thought one of the bonuses of being a famous millionaire is that you just have to press a button in your mansion and 5 minutes later a dealer carrying a briefcase full of your mind-numbing substance of choice shows up? Skid Row?! How dreadful. This is Nick Stahl levels of tragic. The entire cosmetics industry will collapse if Zac Efron goes from being a Cover Girl to dethroning Lindsay Lohan as the Hollywood Faces Of Meth Queen.