Category: What Is Coming Out Of Your Mouth?
Open Post: Hosted By The Lobster Diver Who Got Trapped In The Mouth Of A Humpback Whale
A fisherman almost perished in the deep blue Atlantic last Friday when a humpback whale (accidentally?) scooped him up into its four-foot-wide mouth! 56-year-old Michael Packard was diving for lobsters off of Cape Cod when he felt a big bump. Suddenly, he was engulfed in darkness, cuz bitch was in a whale’s mouth. After about 30 to 40 seconds, Michael saw the light (he didn’t die, the whale had kindly breached the surface), and he was spat back out. Michael’s mate Josiah Mayo witnessed the incident, retrieved his friend, and called for help. Except for a few bruises, Michael is fine. As for the whale, it was just pissed Michael wasn’t squid, krill, or salmon.
Pamela Anderson Is Really Against Watching Porn Now
All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
2016 is not only showing us that it’s the worst year ever, it’s also showing us that it’s the year of redefining ridiculousness. Case in point: Canadian-American sex blossom Pamela Anderson has joined forces with “celebrity rabbi” Schmuley Boteach to write an op-ed piece for The Wall Street Journal about how watching porn is destroying lives! The only thing that porn is responsible for destroying in my life is a keyboard or two, but okay.
I know, Pamela Anderson shaming tricks for watching porn. What’s next? One of the Kartrashians is going to “write” an anti-ass implant op-ed piece for their pay site? John Travolta is going to do a PSA about the dangers of wearing wigs? We can all close our eyes until 2017 because we have seen it all (but I’ll open mine here and there to watch porn).
Okay, So Kristen Stewart Didn’t Say That Talk About Hollywood’s Lack Of Racial Diversity Is “Boring”
This afternoon, I sat back with a giant bowl of extra buttery popcorn and inhaled the scent of burnt paper as I watched the Internet roast wet piece of cardboard Kristen Stewart for saying that the #OscarsSoWhite controversy is boring her and people of color need to stop whining and do something. She supposedly said that while promoting her new movie Certain Women during an interview with Variety at Sundance. I guess even Variety couldn’t understand the rambling stream of words that came dribbling out of her mouth, because they later corrected their story and said that Kristen Stewart wasn’t talking about the racial diversity problem in Hollywood. She was talking about gender equality. So KStew doesn’t think you actors of color should stop bitching and moaning. She thinks you vagina-havers need to stop crying!
The Styrofoam cup full of watery powdered milk took us on a roller coaster ride of words as she tried to tell us her thoughts on women in the industry complaining about gender equality. KStew is pretty much the Nike of gender equality, because she thinks you wimmuns need to stop crying and just do it. Go do something! Go make a painting! Go write words! Go get your box eaten by a married director in a Mini Cooper! Just go do something!
“It’s hard for me to speak to that because it’s awkward. I’m so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven like not bored and I have something in front of me all the time, so it sounds weird for me to sit around and be like, ‘It’s not fair!’ It’s like, well, guys make more money, because their movies make more money. It’s like, let’s start making…. It makes sense. Like, if you’re bored or if you feel like there’s a lack of something in front of you…. It’s silly for me to say but, ‘Go do something.’ My mom’s an artist, she’s like a painter, she’s a script supervisor as well. So like, when she wasn’t working she was making something. She was never bored. Instead of sitting around and complaining about that, do something, go write something, go do something for yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s easy to say, like fuck, it’s hard to get movies made. It’s a huge luxury. Who gets to just make movies? That subject is so prevalently everywhere right now and it’s boring.”
In Kristen Stewart’s defense, she does know boring. I mean she’s redefines the meaning of the word with every new performance she does.
And here’s KStew at the Sundance premiere of her movie working a hairstyle that’s messier than her thoughts on gender equality.