Category: Sony Hack
St. Angie Jolie Has No Comment About Being Called A “Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat” In Hacked Sony Emails
By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.
When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.
Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:
On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.
On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.
On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”
On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.
Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.
The FBI Officially Names North Korea As The Puppet Masters Of The Sony Hack
“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”
Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.
George Clooney Is Pissed That Sony Pulled “The Interview”
Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.
George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.
Sony Should Just Make A Movie About The Making Of Future Train Wreck “Cleopatra”
Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.”
The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.
Well, That Escalated Quickly. Really Quickly. (UPDATE)
So far, the Sony Hack has been mostly fun, games, fuckery, saint-bashing, Leo-trashing and Channing Tatum going full Channing Tatum. But the Sony Hack just made a sharp left turn onto the Shit Got Real expressway. Deadline says that a threatening note that is believed to have come from the hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, was released today and in it, they say that some not-so-peaceful shit will happen in theaters showing The Interview on its opening day, December 25th. DAMN. They really don’t want people to see The Interview. If they want to keep people from seeing that shit in theaters, they should just email everyone a link to the trailer, because that’s what convinced me that I can’t watch that movie unless I’m lying on my own couch with a vaporizer straw shoved in my mouth.
The hackers recently promised a “Christmas surprise” and Deadline’s “sources” figured that meant they’re planning to leak The Interview in full on the Internet to keep people from paying to see it in theaters. But according to their threat, their “Christmas surprise” is a zillion times more disturbing.
We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.
THE SONY!
North Korea has already denied being involved in the hack. That note reads like I’m supposed to think it was written by someone who wants us to believe it was written by a North Korean using Google translate. Are they pulling some reverse psychology shit on us?
I can’t believe this is over a stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I was going to say that this could be some elaborate publicity stunt from Sony and STUNT QUEEN master general James Franco, but if it was there’d be a lot more leaked emails saying that he’s the greatest actor and artiste of our generation. There’d also be a lot more leaked pictures of him being naked with Seth Rogen, because he can’t get enough of that.
UPDATE: Seth Rogen and James Franco have canceled all of the press they were supposed to do this week for The Interview. Also, Homeland Security said that the threat isn’t credible.
And Now In Hacked Sony Emails News, Bad Reviews Of “The Monuments Men” Made George Clooney Sad
More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.