Category: Pussy Abuse
If You’re A Freak Ass Furry Who Loves To Drop Acid, The “Cats” Movie Is For You!
After we were promised that the Cats movie was going to be every layer of insane, and after everyone prepared to throw their pussies against the screen from getting teased with Idris Elba shaking his shit as the mysterious criminal pussy overlord Macavity, the trailer finally hit our eyeballs and souls, and you better grab a gallon jug of holy water and hide the cat nip before pressing play. Because it is a night terror for all your senses. It does not disappoint.
They honestly should’ve waited until August 26 to release this trailer, because that’s International Dog Day, and this hacked-up musical hairball is a gift to canines everywhere. They’re all going to howl with happiness into the air over how Hollywood did catmanity. If this doesn’t cause all cats to finally rise up against us evil humans, I don’t know what will.
Miranda Kerr Is Pregnant With Her Second Baby With Snapchat Dude Evan Spiegel
Like a dumb dumb kitten stuck in a tree, there’s a pussy crying for help today. Only this pussy belongs to a supermodel. No, it’s not the pussy of Leo Dicaprio‘s latest girlfriend wailing because she’s about to hit the 25 year mark and therefore have her contract ripped up (relax- Leo’s current girlfriend is only 21). It’s the vagina of Miranda Kerr, who announced to People that just ten months after giving birth to her first baby with Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, she is pregnant again. Mine is crying too. Someone pass an ice pack for my vaginal canal ghost pains.
Chrissy Teigen Thinks That Cats Are The Devil’s Children
Look at how dignified that dog is with its little crossed legs. That dog should teach classes at a canine finishing school. Hell, that dog should be the headmistress for the next season of VH1’s Charm School.
Sexy swimsuit chipmunk Chrissy Teigen admitted out loud what everyone who has ever found a shoe full of pussy piss has been thinking for years: that cats are the spawn of Satan. Chrissy told Esquire (via Celebitchy) that even though she likes cats, they’re still “the Devil’s children”, adding that she’s not sure why anyone would adopt one (aside from it being a very long drive to the SPCA in Hell):
“People love to say, ‘My cat is great. He’s just like a dog.’ I always think, Well, get a fucking dog!”
Excuse you, but Tara the dog-whoopin’ super tabby from Bakersfield would like a word with you, Chrissy (#notallpussies). I know what Chrissy is saying – that cats sort of have a reputation of being vindicating scratch-having troublemaking assholes. But clearly she’s never interacted with a member of the asshole dog community. Dogs can be demon spawn too! One time I saw a dog rub its dog balls on a baby’s carseat and, I swear to god, it looked like it was smiling. Then it scooted its butt across the carpet in what looked like the shape of a pentagram and placed a sacrificial Milk Bone in the centre. So yeah, it’s not just cats. I’m sure if I look hard enough, I could probably find a story about a canary chirping in Satanic backwards-talk.
And besides, the only evil pussies on Lucifer’s family tree are the Kardashians.
Fuck Off, Weight Watchers
With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she’s going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW’s being all up in her face about it. “FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!” – Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.
From Yahoo! News:
“It’s wonderful news and we couldn’t be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell,” Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.
I say if you’re Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby’s curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they’re pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor’s instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she’s only quitting FOR NOW.
And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann’s boxes.
Hasn’t The Situation Done Enough To Pussies?
What in the Carrot Top meets a bottle of brown hair dye HELL is the meaning of this?
Just like The Situation’s roid acne, my retinas need an extra long scrubbing after staring at his new ad for Peta. Yes, that poor kitten is obviously traumatized from being pressed up against The Situation’s overcooked and HGH-filled veal cutlet, but it should be grateful. That’s not a terrifying vein on The Situation’s arm, that’s a worm that crawled out of that kitten’s ass. The Situation’s smug face scares worms out of pussies!
And all hate aside, this ad does deliver a very important message. You should definitely spay or neuter your Mike Sorrentino today.
FREE MERCY!!!!
Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.
Kim must’ve gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named “Mercy” after one of Kanye West’s songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.
Imagine you’re an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy’s face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.
Webster’s needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:
Although, the name “Mercy” is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy’s constant internal monologue is this: “Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!”
As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I’ll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer’s face, the cameras are there.
