Category: Jesus Take The Wheel
Prince Philip, Who Is 97 Years Old, Is Still Driving And Got Into A Crash
Before we get into the details of this accident, let’s go over some things:
- Prince Philip is 97 years old.
- Prince Philip is married to the fucking Queen of England.
- Prince Philip is reportedly worth $30 million, and his wife is worth a ton more.
Add all that up together and it equals: OLE’ ASS COOT SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING HIMSELF! The other PP should be chauffeured in a gold chariot as royal minions hand feed him Werther’s Originals. But Prince Philip still drives, and he was behind the wheel of his Land Rover today when he got into a crash and it flipped like he does whenever a photographer takes too fucking long to take his goddamn picture. And because Prince Philip is invincible, he walked away without any injuries.
Melissa Joan Hart Told Her Kids That She Doesn’t Know If Non-Jesus Believers Are Good People
Melissa Joan Hart has gone public with her amazing transformation from Sabrina The Teenage Witch to Ice Cold Middle-Aged Holy Judgmental Bitch. You can go ahead and add Melissa to the list of former pre-teen idols that has fallen on hard times. Melissa has gone public with her innermost beliefs, which are that if you don’t believe in Sweet Baby Jesus, you are basically a terrible person who should stay away from her kids. This has many people calling her a lo-fi anti-Semetic.
Looks Like Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ” Sequel Is Really Happening
Jesus Christ portrayer Jim Caviezel has some very exciting news to share. He got interviewed by USA Today! But that’s not even the most exciting part. Jim says we’ve got to hold onto our pants because Mel Gibson is going to raise his career from the dead by making a sequel to 2004’s The Passion of The Christ. So no, apparently Mel has not been cancelled. The lucky bastard got his bullshit grandfathered in.
Katt Williams Got Into More Legal Trouble
Katt Williams is 2016’s version of Pavlov’s Dog; you see his name, and you instantly prepare yourself for the news that the pocket-sized terror has done something shitty. Let’s get into what Katt did now, shall we?
Katy Perry Is In The Middle Of A Messy Fight With Two Nuns Over The Sale Of A Convent
Random, thy name is all the words I just typed above. Katy Perry, looking like what my extremely Catholic elderly neighbor would describe as a “Jesus-needing heathen floozy” above, is currently in the middle of a fight with some nuns. Watch out, 13-year-old Catholic school troublemakers – Katy Perry is coming for your game.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Katy Perry wants to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary convent in Los Feliz, which was being sold by the five nuns who were living in it. So she called up Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and told him she’d pay $14.5 million in cash for the convent. When Jesus heard the words “$14.5 million in cash“, he appeared in Jose’s toast and was like “Duh dude, take it” and that was that. The only problem is, the nuns who are selling the convent say it’s theirs to sell and they don’t want to sell their house to that trollop Katy Perry.
Lena Dunham Has Hired The Real-Life Olivia Pope To Fix Her Life
When Lena Dunham announced last week that she was quitting Twitter, I knew immediately that something in the milk wasn’t clean. Humans without filters who love saying whatever they’re thinking love Twitter (see: me every time I live tweet a visit to the dermatologist). But it sounds like quitting Twitter might have been the first step in stopping all the random words that fall from her mouth (like comparing the Bill Cosby situation to the Holocaust) as prescribed by her new Bitch, Don’t Say That team, one of which is the real-life version of Olivia Pope from Scandal.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Lena Dunham has hired crisis management expert Judy Smith (real-life Olivia Pope) and publicist Cindi Berger to help her rehab her image after she said and wrote some stuff that made a lot of people nervously tug at their collars last year. Judy recently consulted with Sony after the email hack and Cindi has worked as a publicist for Mimi, Billy Crystal, and Robert Redford. And now they’re working with the girl from Girls who stopped giving a fuck a very long time ago.
I’m all for trying to fix your life, but doesn’t Lena know that if you’re going to hire someone to fix your life, you hire Iyanla Vanzant? I’m sure Olivia Pope and Cindy-with-an-I Berger are very capable and whatever, but Lena is famous, which means she can afford the best in life-fixing.