It’s been a week since Bill Cosby went from alleged sexual predator to convicted sexual predator (the only way that verdict would’ve been more perfect if it was laid down by the rapist-destroyer Judge Rosemarie Aquilina), and as we wait to see if he’s going to die in prison or die while waiting to see if the verdict sticks, Camille Cosby has taken to the stage and warbled out a heave-inducing rendition of Stand By Your Man Even If He Was Convicted Of Rape.
After spraying herself down with a generous spritzing of Complicit from Ivanka Trump, Camille sharted out a long statement that some are calling “blistering.” If by that they mean that her statement caused oozing pus-filled blisters to form on my eyeballs when I read it, then they’re right! Camille really went for it by demanding a criminal investigation against the District Attorney, accusing Cosby’s victim Andrea Constand of being a money-hungry lie-teller, saying the media has her husband’s pure innocent blood all over their hands, and comparing him to Emmet Till, the 14-year-old African-American boy who was lynched in 1955 after a white woman lied and said he flirted with her. Well, I guess if your job for decades has been to enable and support Ole’ Pervy Puddin’ Pop, and he finally gets his, you gotta step the messiness up and throw every kind of crazy against the wall hoping that something sticks. (None of it does.)
It’s been well over 24 hours since Michelle Wolf’s set at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night, and the delicate b-holes of the White House and the media are still sore and they’re still crying about her doing what all comedians do at that shit: roast political types until they’re as burnt and overcooked as Trump’s face (see: Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Hasan Minhaj, etc..). Michelle, who is the real winner in this mess since her name has been out there for 2 days, shit on the media for creating Trump, but what’s really making some clutch their pearls so hard that their titties are now covered in pearl dust is what she said about Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, Michelle, know your audience! If only you would’ve said, “I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy,” you would’ve become our next president.
Many defended Michelle Wolf including Kathy Griffin, who was there. But many from both sides defended Sarah Huckabee Sanders including journalists like Maggie Haberman of The New York Times, Andrea Mitchell of NBC News, and Mika Brzezinski who could not believe that a WIFE and a MOTHER was attacked in front of everyone like that. Okay, so if Sarah Huckabee Sanders was a childless singleton, Mika would’ve held Michelle’s purse while screaming, “Drag that bitch”?
Last week, Taryn Manning proved she’s nothing like the character she plays on Orange Is the New Black, Pennsatucky Doggett, after throwing a hissy fit online about the $199 Adrianna Papell mall dress she unknowingly wore to the SAG Awards. If Pennsatucky found out she was wearing a $199 mall dress, she might be like, “Fuckin’ yeah, fancy mah shit up.” But Taryn wasn’t nearly as thrilled and said she felt like she had been “used.” I got the message – Taryn doesn’t like it when you pull an affordable gown fast-one on her, case closed. But the case isn’t closed, and Taryn is still talking about the dress.
What you are looking may appear to be a picture of some goofy-looking cartoons next to four crappy chicken strips, but it’s much more than that. It’s a symbol of WAR. A war between the bratty fans of the Adult Swim cartoon Rick and Morty and McDonald’s. A war that almost ended in bloodshed until McDonald’s waved a white flag covered in tangy Szechuan sauce.
The bald bad advice-giver whose name is not Dr. Phil is moving his talk show, Steve Harvey, from Chicago to L.A. (Side note: You’re not alone if you started singing Route 66 after reading “Chicago to L.A.”) and he’ll be working with a mostly new crew once they start shooting this fall. The show’s location isn’t the only thing that’s changing, Steve Harvey has spit out a memo to his staff, telling them that if they even think of knocking on his dressing room door or coming up to him in the hallway without a scheduled appointment, they’ll find their asses flying through the air after his security guards kick them away.
Any day now, trillions of locusts will swarm the land, Satan will crawl out of Hell to high-five his homeboy Trump and nukes will fly above our heads. And as the world crashes down around us and we all run for our lives, you can count on one thing: Amidst the chaos of it all, LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville will be looking at each other like, “Ewww, your implants are jank, your weave is trash, you totally have cankles and Eddie said my pussy tastes sweeter, bitch!”
LeAnn v. Brandi is the roach of feuds, and like roaches, it apparently can be found amongst the trash and scum. The Dirty recently noticed that Brandi unfollowed her forever arch rival LeAnn on both Twitter and Instagram. James McGibney, the owner of the site BullyVille, tells The Dirty that Brandi broke up with LeAnn on social media after finding out that the diabolical luck dragon allegedly hired a professional troll (and yes, that’s what I write under “occupation” on my tax returns) to stalk and harass her. LeAnn Rimes is 34 years old. I’m pointing that out, because I’m around her age and I thought I acted like a bitchy immature tween (see: Everything I write on this blog and the fact that I asked my friend if my ex’s current boyfriend is hotter than me. The answer was yes.) But this two Dollar Tree clearance bin Regina George has me beat.