Pamela Anderson Recycled Her Third Ex-Husband

Pamela Anderson is a vegan (the only meat she puts in her mouth is at least 8 inches long and spits out man leche, thankyouverymuch), is PETA’s hardest-working whore and she cares about the environment and shit, so she tries to keep it green, which is why she recycles everything including the dicks that she rides on full-time. The Canadian blossom who re-planted herself in the gardens of America recycled Tommy Lee’s stretched Escalade dick several times before breaking up with him for good (probably not, they are the Burton & Taylor of the CDC) in 2010 and she married Kid Rock in 2006 after breaking up with him the first time in 2003. Well, Pamela is recycling again. She married Wonky McValtrex’s fuck tape c0-star and her third ex-husband, Rick Salomon, recently. The free clinic has a new first couple!

At Sean Penn’s Help Haiti Gala in L.A. last night, Pamela showed off her new, huge ring and told E! News that she got secret married to Rick Salomon. Pamela and Rick got married in 2007 and they annulled that shit a year later. They recently started bumping genitals again. Rick didn’t walk the carpet with Pamela last night, but she said that she’s happy and her family is happy about it.

“We’re very happy. Our families are very happy and that’s all that matters.”

Besides that popped clit pimple Paris Hilton, Rick has exquisite taste in women. His ex-wives club includes E.G. Daily and Brenda Walsh.

I could sit here and shit on Pamela Anderson for the bad decisions she’s made in her love life, but I’m not going to. Pamela made the right decision to keep her eyebrows looking like they were tattooed on with a BIC pen, a soda can pull tab and a lighter by her cholita cellmate in a women’s state prison in Central California and THAT’S the only decision that matters to me.

Here’s Pamela looking like a chola Susan Powter (chola name: La Sane Girl) at that Help Haiti Gala last night.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Kim Kartrashian Denies Waxing Baby North’s Eyebrow Situation

Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.

Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes, Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!

And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.

And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!

Pics: Wenn.com

BREAKING: Miley Cyrus Dyed Her Brows Back

I guess Miley Cyrus got tired of bitches spraying her with Critter Ridder lizard repellent and parents grabbing their children and running away from her cave creature-looking ass, because she took a Sharpie to her yeast infection brows. To celebrate the fact that she can now get legally drunk on Shasta Cola and Thunderbird at the bar with her paw paw, Miley dropped some RIT on her eyebrow situation and tweeted the finished product. Girl looks like a butcher Justin Bieber. She went from looking a terrifying mutant varmint that was born in Wes Craven’s mind to looking like a late 90s-era Florida skater boi who gets his beer and weed money by posing half naked for XY Magazine. I’m not sure which look is better.

In other Vyrus news, UsWeekly says that while she was out yesterday, somebody broke into her house and stole a bunch of her shit.

The incident occurred sometime in the afternoon, but there were no injuries and nobody was home at the time.

“She’s extremely upset and a lot of personal items were stolen,” a source tells Us. “She’s really shaken up about the whole thing.”

I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. Miley recently told Rolling Stone that Billy Ray uses a secret way to get from his house to her backyard and so I’m sure he just came over to borrow a box of Corn Pops and he kind of sort of might’ve gone through her dirty laundry and took some shit. A reasonable explanation! And sometimes when a celebwhore gets hacked or robbed, that’s foreshadowing for a sex tape or ESCANDALOSO pictures leaking on the internet. So brace your eyeballs and soul for the internet to be hit with something scandalous and shocking like a video of Miley keeping her smegma-covered lizard tongue in her mouth.

Sorry, I Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Eyebrows

Let’s take a moment to bow our heads and be grateful for the exquisiteness of Ireland Baldwin’s photo-negative eyebrows! She posted a pic on Instagram last night that showed off newly shoplifted Gwen Stefani extensions (fine, she just dyed her shit platinum) and eyebrows that are giving me minor heart palpitations. She got some crap from the high court of fashion opinions (strangers on the internet) on the darkness of her brows, but she said she wasn’t going to dye her “precious eyebrows” blonde.

I’m so happy she used the word precious- it makes the collage her boyfriend made that included Legolas feel a little like he might have been throwing some shade. Myyyyyy precioussss eyebrownssssss.

The Daily Mail says Ireland was also on Twitter defending her dad, Alec. Awww, how sweet that they’ve buried the hatchet- probably so he can’t throw it at anybody’s head when he goes to DEFCON 1.

I’ve had more luck getting my point across with the hand signals they use on the tarmac at the airport and a few well-timed “NUH-UH!!”s. There’s not a soul on this planet who would take advice from a Baldwin on healthy family dynamics! It would be like going to The Vagina Monologues ready to be moved by female empowerment and having Miley Cyrus come out in two wash cloths held together with a bungee cord to perform it.

Ireland dug deep and also tweeted about armpit fat and having to shave with whipped cream, which I can’t even get behind. HELLO!!!! Embrace the stubble while you spray the stuff in your mouth. If you accidentally-on-purpose get a little of the gas, you won’t even care that your pits look like 30-grit sandpaper.

(Photo: Instagram)

Kate Upton’s Thick Ass Brows Are On The Cover Of Vogue

Phoebe Price’s team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling Kate Upton the “hottest supermodel on Earth.” Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate’s brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.

Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She’s got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.

But now that I look at them closer… They’re so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?

Eyebrow Situation Of The Night: Ginnifer Goodwin

Ginnifer Goodwin normally looks like the black sheep of the Keebler Elves or a Garbage Pail Kid to me, but at the Met Gala last night she looked like a Garbage Pail Kid after getting a glamorous eyebrow makeover from Harald Glööckler. Stunning. Perfect. Exquisite. When she’s done with those brows, they should pull them off her face, put a gold frame around them and hang them on the biggest wall at the Met.