Charlie Sheen Is Trying To Put Denise Richards And His Girls On The Curb Again

Trade those fancy shopping bags for sticks with handkerchief bags tied to the end of them and that might be Denise Richards and her daughter if that ass stain Charlie Sheen gets his way.

Earlier this year, Radar said that Charlie Sheen’s current full-time whore and future ex-wife Brett Rossi is jealous of Denise Richards and wants him to kick Denise and his girls out of the house he owns so she can drive by and let out a cold cunt cackle as they’re all dragging their belongings out of there. Denise has lived a few houses away from Charlie’s house of porn poon and crack for years and she hasn’t moved because she doesn’t want to pull her daughters out of their school. Radar says that Charlie has gotten the lawyers involved and sent Denise an eviction letter. Charlie’s rotting ground vulture meat of a heart wants Denise and his girls out and doesn’t care if they have to sell dirt pies on the side of the road to pay rent on their next house. Radar’s source burped this up:

“Charlie’s lawyers have advised Denise it’s time to move out of the Mulholland Estates mansion. He has claimed to have a buyer for the home lined up. Charlie wants Denise and the girls out — right away. Put simply, he doesn’t seem to care where Denise moves to. Brett convinced Charlie to sell the mansion, arguing that Denise has cut off access to their daughters, why should he allow her to live in the house for free? “Charlie hasn’t spent any significant time with the girls in several months and thinks it’s ridiculous that he continue to pay Denise $55,000.”

You know that special place Hell they always talk about? They just renamed it the Charlie Sheen Suite.

How many times does that ripped-off taint sore need to threaten to throw Denise’s ass out before she uses some of that mountain of cash he gave her in a divorce settlement to buy her own damn mansion? If she doesn’t have the cash, she can easily get it. All she has to do is throw a fake stache on her younger kid’s face. Then put that younger kid on the shoulders of the older kid and throw a trench coat over them. Send them over to Charlie Sheen’s house with a wheelbarrow full of white landscape rocks from Home Depot. The young one will introduce “himself” as Charlie’s new crack dealer and make Charlie sign a purchase slip before getting his regular daily order. Charlie will be so cracked out into another dimension that he won’t know that he’s really signing over the deed to the house that Denise Richards lives in to her! The house will be hers! Blehehehehe, it’s a crackhead-proof plan.

Lady GagGag Got Puked On And Called It Art

I made the mistake of watching some of the live-feed of Lady CaCa’s performance at SXSW last night and I closed my laptop after about 15 minutes and watched House Hunters International instead, because if I wanted to see a dirty crackhead flail around while incoherently spewing shit about art and the death of pop music, I’d take the subway in NYC at 4am. Actually, at any time of the day. Yes, CaCa is stealing from subway crackies now.

During “Swine,” CaCa played the drums while professional barfist Millie Brown, who’s been called the barfing Jackson Pollock, drank soy milk dyed bright green from a plastic bottle. This is Millie’s thing. She’s known for spewing colored vomit on canvases. So while looking like Brooke Candy as one of the Matrix Twins, CaCa leaned back and let Millie puke out Slimer’s piss all over her. CaCa has said before that she was bulimic as a teenager, so getting barfed on for the sake of shocking hos was a really good idea. (“Choke on your own rotting shit, you diseased old cow, she’s obviously using art to work through the issues and demons that have haunted her!” – every Little Monster to me)

Because CaCa and Millie weren’t done grossing everyone out, they took their raver exorcism act to a mechanical bull and kept the puke antics coming. ART!

Well, it could’ve been worse. CaCa could’ve sang “Do What U Want” while her best friend Uncle Terry jacked off on her face and her former collaborator R. Kelly pissed on her stomach. But I guess that would’ve been reductive.

And Doritos, who sponsored CaCa’s set, should really ask for their money back. That barf should’ve been burnt orange instead of bright green. Totally off brand.

And Here’s The Trailer For “Lindsay Lohan’s 4,569,756th Chance: The Show”

“Um, is that a new kind of coke? Why hasn’t my dealer told me about that one. I’ll kill him!”  – LiLo

Last night, OWN shat out the trailer for their reality show, which should be called Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check (alternate title: Oprah: I’m Just Doing This For The Ratings), and it shows us Lindsay Lohan in a completely different light! By that I mean we see her in daylight. We usually see her trolling the dark streets at nighttime.

The first part shows us the broken ginger record queefing at the mouth about how she’s sick of being a drunken mess, White Oprah with her head stuck all the way up her culo, Michael Lohan being the oozing pussy pimple that he is and more of the same crap we’ve all seen and heard a million times before. The second part is The Mighty O slapping LiLo’s crackie zombie face with some truth after that mess does what she always does. Before Oprah gives it to LiLo straight, there’s a scene of her in her chariot with my favorite, Sherry Ensalada, and Sherry tells her about how Lilo has been a pain in everyone’s taint. Oprah says, “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently.” Aunt Bunny, can I get  GUURRRL PLEASE?! Oprah knew LiLo was going to be unreliable and she probably wanted LiLo to be unreliable, so she could sweep in and tell that mess off in front of the cameras and everyone would be like, “You tell her, Oprah! You always speak the truth, Oprah! You’re everyone’s savior, Oprah!” Oprah, YOU need to cut the bullshit. (Future headline: Skinny Fat Gay Blogger Goes Missing – A Pillar Of Salt Found In Front Of His Desk)

With all that being said, I’m still going to watch every second of this same old shit mess, because the sober coach’s down eyes followed by an, “ummmm,” when he’s asked if LiLo’s still sober SOLD ME.

And LiLo totally sold herself short when she said, “I know this is my last shot of doing what I love to do.” She still has plenty of years of stealing necklaces and slapping hos in clubs ahead of her!

Pic: Tumblr

And The Bride’s Something Blue Will Be Blue Meth

Today, we should all be mad at the wind for not knocking those two whores off of that cliff when it had the chance. We are all disappointed in you, wind.

But seriously, I should turn off the hate and pat porn star Brett Rossi on the taint for a job well done, because after months of sucking and fucking on Charlie Sheen’s over-cooked penne dick, she is finally one step closer to achieving her gold digger mission. Yesterday, the scent of “true love” smelled like crack pipe residue and dick scabs when Charlie asked Brett Rossi to be his future fourth ex-wife while on vacation in Hawaii. Because Brett knows that she’ll be set up for life if she just marries his nasty ass and pops out a few of his spawn, she said yes. In the crack-infused statement he gave to People, Charlie says that technically Brett will be his third wife since his marriage to his first wife Donna Peel was annulled.

“With all due respect to Donna –
that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.
Therefore,
if “three”
truly is a charm;
The mashup/acronym
of the real CS,
(Charlie & Scottie)
HAS to be;
“Char-M-stee…”
xox
c&s”

Since Charlie’s relationship history is filled with nothing but pure healthiness, I’m sure these two skanks will have a not-at-all fucked up marriage and in 30 years they’ll be sipping virgin mint juleps on the porch of their house while watching their not-at-all fucked up children play with their not-at-all fucked up grandchildren. Or it’ll end with Brett making a tourniquet out of a shower curtain in a locked hotel bathroom after Charlie “accidentally” shot her leg. Either way, #getmoneybitch! But maybe Brett should wear a head-to-toe bulletproof suit while doing so.

And TMZ has pictures of Brett’s engagement ring if you really need to see it. I didn’t know that crack rocks could get so pretty and shiny when you polish them up.

(Pic via @thebrettrossi)

Bill Clinton Wet Humped On Elizabeth Hurley, So Says Tom Sizemore (UPDATE: Tom Sizemore Made It All Up )

UPDATE: Tom Sizemore admits to HuffPo that he’s never met Bill Clinton and was most likely high out of his mind when he told that fake story. Tom says the tape is really old and the story is not true. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton probably DM’d Elizabeth Hurley on Twitter and asked, “Care to make it true? I’ll bring the cigars.”

Noted lady beater and meth head Tom Sizemore tells Radar and the Globe (THE GLOBE!!!) that all the way back in 1998, he set President Slick Willy up with Elizabeth Hurley and the two boned on each other for a full year in the White House. Bill Clinton has always been a slut, so I totally believe that he strengthened American and British relations by fucking Elizabeth Hurley, but this is coming from Tom Sizemore. Tom Sizemore is about as reliable as my gossiping tia who for years swore to me that her burgundy hair was natural.

Radar says that in a joint investigation with the Globe, they UNEARTHED a recording from January of Tom Sizemore talking about how he hooked President Clinton up with Liz Hurley in one night. They call it a “joint investigation,” because they gave Tom Sizemore 20 joints in exchange for the UNEARTHED recording he probably recorded by himself in the bathroom five minutes beforehand. In the recording, Tom says that during a screening of Saving Private Ryan at the White House in 1998, Bill Clinton took him aside and asked him if he still talked to Liz Hurley. (Tom Sizemore and Liz Hurley dated for a few years.) Tom Sizemore goes on to spit out more meth-infused details and the dialogue is a mess.

When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.

Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”

The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room.

“[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”

Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48.

“Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress, who played Vanessa Kensington in the 1997 hit Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer!

Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”

Hours later, he claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“While we’re at the reception, I see her,” Sizemore reveals, but then she disappeared through a door, trailed by a Secret Service agent.

As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”

As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days. He fucked her that night.”

Tom adds that Bill and Liz did it for a year, but he broke it off with her, because he was falling in love with her and he “doesn’t do love.” Liz Hurley said that the story is “ludicrous” and claims the lawyers are handling it.

If anybody but Tom Sizemore told that story, I’d one hundred percent believe it. But when Tom Sizemore opens his mouth, either barf, lies or a little of both are going to fall out. A talking crack house rat probably told Tom that story while he smoked crack out of a light bulb. You know, if the talking crack house rat directly told the Globe that story, I’d believe it was true.

I mean, that dialogue. That dialogue sounds like it was written by the worst porn writer in the San Fernando Valley. Wait, since I put it that way, maybe Tom is telling the truth. Because I totally believe that when Bill Clinton’s talking about ass, he sounds like he’s in the most poorly written porn ever.

Happy Friday, Here’s Rob Ford Getting Tickled

Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.

And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.

(Pic via AP)