Category: Carey Mulligan

Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.

I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Carey Mulligan Is The Top Choice To Play A Young Hillary Clinton

June 6, 2013 / Posted by:

The Hillary Clinton biopic is actually happening….

When it was announced that a biopic about Hillary Clinton’s early years in the political game is going to be made, names like ScarJo, Jessica Chastain and Emma Stone were thrown around as possibilities to play young Hillary. Jessica Chastain quickly said that she’s not going to play young Hillary so Bill Clinton can stop texting her to see if she needs a little private coaching to really get into the part (and by that he means he wants to get into her parts). So that leaves ScarJo and Emma Stone, but The Hollywood Reporter says that neither of them are the director’s first choice. THR’s source says that director James Ponsoldt is meeting with Carey Mulligan about playing Hillary in his movie Rodham.

Apparently, the producer and James really want Carey and Carey really wants to play HillPuppy. THR describes Rodham like this:

The indie drama portrays Rodham as a young lawyer on the committee involved in President Richard Nixon’s impeachment, and her juggling a diverging career path with her unresolved feelings for future president Bill Clinton.

If Rodham is 2 full hours of young Hillary looking sad, confused, scared, cold and vulnerable (you know, like she really has to pee, but she’s not going to because she’s expecting the police to call to tell her if they found her lost puppy or not), then Carey Mulligan will nail it!

The Brits are taking all the American parts! They took Batman, Superman, Lincoln and now they’re taking Hillary. The only way to even things out is if Rojo Caliente plays Prince Hot Ginge in a biopic (please somebody make this happen).

And I said this in Afternoon Crumbs the other day, but I’m going to say it again. The only person who should play Hillary Clinton is La Pequeña.

Hell, just release that video as the official Hillary Clinton biopic and call it a day.

Okay, Okay, Sarah Jessica Parker Won The Met Gala

May 7, 2013 / Posted by:

If your eyeballs haven’t turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker’s crotch (“I haven’t even stared at the Crotch of Sauron” – Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night’s theme of “punk” and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse’s idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they’ll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here’s pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn’t try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn’t try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn’t try), JLo (didn’t try, should’ve been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters. 

What In The Hell Happened To Madame Maxime and Hagrid?!

May 2, 2013 / Posted by:

This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.

Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.

You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.

And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton. 

Shia LaDouche On Why He And Carey Mulligan Broke Up

September 5, 2012 / Posted by:

Since Shia LaDouche is really method, he’s forever farting out douche dingles from his mouth to prepare himself for the day he plays the title role in The Summer’s Eve That Never Ends: The Shia LaDouche Story. That explains what came out of Shia’s mouth when he talked to The Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) about why he stopped humping on Carey Mulligan. Carey didn’t dump Shia because she was sick of spraying RAID on her chocha every time they bumped parts. Carey also didn’t dump Shia because she woke up one day, smelled the dirty douche water and realized that’s not what she wanted to do with her life anymore. Shia says that they broke up, because Carey wanted a wedding ring on her finger and babies in her belly.

“Carey is not just an actress, she is a great human being, a sweet girl and super intelligent. Our thing came down to not having compatible work/lifestyles. We were always travelling, and had sensibility differences that weren’t conducive to living with one another. I’m harder on myself and my surroundings than she is, and we had a culture shock in terms of meeting her parents and vice versa. Sensibilities, cultures, histories. There were differences, that’s all.

She’s happy as hell right now, and we wouldn’t have been able to make it like that. She was chasing marriage, family, kids more than I was. I’m not opposed to marriage. I just think I’m quite young. I come from divorce. I’m only doing marriage once. It’s not a game for me. I’m not a religious person, but I have ethics.”

Okay, okay, I take back what I said about that quote being just another dehydrated menstrual berry spat out by Shia. Shia actually did a good thing for Carey. It’s always nice when you don’t have to stretch your muscles by dodging a greasy bullet because the greasy bullet did you a major favor by dodging you instead. A real act of kindness.

Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

January 9, 2011 / Posted by:

It was Battle of the Beards ’11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He’s totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the “I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!” shakes. But even though Ben’s beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn’t have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby’s breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford’s face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas….

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here’s a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night’s festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

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