Who Worked It Better?

On the left is Southern California used car salesman ICON Cal Worthington and on the right is Madge at the Grammys tonight. Do I even need to ask? Cal Worthington won this battle without knowing it. May God bless his pussy cow-loving soul.

As expected, at the Grammys tonight, the grown-up Phil DeVille we all know as Macklemore yodeled out “Same Love” with Ryan Lewis and Mary Lambert before 33 couples got married by Queen Latifah. Sadly, Queen Latifah didn’t come out in a big way by scissoring with her girlfriend while getting married too. But after she declared all those couples as married, Madge, who was dressed like Boss Hog, wobbled out on a cane and looked like something straight out of Death Becomes Her. Bitch can’t move her rubber face and the way she moved… She looked like Misty Day just brought her back to life. Your nana was like, “That was me a day after hip surgery!” Madge sang “Open Your Heart” before singing with Mary Lambert and the whole entire thing was a major mess. Getting married live on the Grammys in front of all those wrecks sounds like a complete nightmare from Hell to me, but hey, it’s their wedding.

And I can’t wait for the Grammys next year when the ghost of Tammy Wynette sings D-I-V-O-R-C-E in a mass divorce ceremony starring all those couples who were married tonight.

Oh, So Beyonce’s Copying “Flashdance” Now And We’re Supposed To Be Okay With It

Because I live in the land of the past known as the West Coast, the Grammys aren’t on live here (fuck you, CBS!). Even though it’s happening almost four farts away from my house, I can’t watch that cesspool of fuckery as it happens. So I’m watching the Grammys through clips. I tried watching a live feed of it, but it was so blurry and janky that it could’ve been a live stream from John Travolta’s colon cam for all I know. You know, mostly full of shit, but a sparkle from a shard of glitter here and there.

Anyway, Beyonce and Jay-Z opened the Grammys and it was like House of Dereon: After Dark. Beyonce copied RuPaul’s Drag Race by LIP-SYNCHING FOR HER LIFE. She copied Flashdance and Chicago with those stripper chair moves. And she copied a horny cat in heat itching for that Q-tip when she did this move:

But what’s really offensive is that Beyonce copied a chola-on-the-go with that hair. Any chola who’s in a rush, stays glamorous by applying massive amounts of L.A. Looks gel right after getting out of the shower and then she air dries her mop by keeping the windows rolled all the way down while she drives to work. Instant crunchy curls! And Jay-Z got into the copying game by copying the dance moves of somebody’s alcoholic grandpa who just had a stroke and suffers from full-body arthritis.

And On The Next American Horror Story: Coven….

The young witches of Miss Robichaux’s Academy better watch their asses, because the current reigning Supreme’s powers and beauty are quickly dying and she’s going to kill them all and reclaim the throne! This is everyone’s cue to run to the nearest church to grab a priest or give yourself a holy water enema, because I think some dark-sided shit butt fucked its way into our souls when we all looked at that picture. Everything’s UNGODLY!

While wearing her tricked out denturez (“Fixodent and forget it, yo!” – Madonna), Madge showed up to the Grammys tonight looking like a cross between one of Diane Keaton’s warts and a terrifying and more horrific version of the Preacher from Poltergeist. I was trolling through Twitter when Madge was on E! and I think the record for the most times “THIS BITCH” has been tweeted simultaneously was broken. Just a little over a week after, Madge tried to keep up with the kidz by hashtagging the n-word, she showed up to the Grammys with her son David. Subtle bitch is subtle. See, that blatant bitch isn’t racist at all. She brought her black son and he even let her dress him up in a matching outfit! I know David said on the red carpet that he picked out those outfits, but you totally know she did and he went along with it, because would you really fuck with a witch who can make your soul curl up just by making a face (see: above soul-killing face)?

And when Madge and David popped up on my TV, it took me a second to realize that was her son and not her new boyfriend.

Pics: Wenn.com