International treasure Betty White is not the one who will dry Lindsay Lohan’s fake tanner tears over a slice of cheesecake at a round table in the kitchen and she’s definitely not drinking or even sipping tiger blood. Betty White continued to add to the neverending list of reasons to love her when she gave her thoughts about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the Daily Mail of all mails. Basically, Betty thinks that LiLo and Charlie need to do ass-to-ass with a giant double-sided dildo made of gratefulness. Tell that shit like it is, Betty!

“They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it.”

Of course, LiLo had something to say to this to E! News, “I’ve always been a fan of hers. It’s just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman.”

Why the hell did LiLo even waste a breath she could’ve used to puff on a Red? Betty White is right. End of story. Shut those silicone anal glands on your mouth and take it. Betty White is saying what Charlie’s and LiLo’s family should’ve said a long ass time ago. If only Betty could stick her fist up White Oprah’s ass and do the talking for that delusional crazy from now on.

Not since Detective LaToya and Bubbles’ reunion…. This touching slideshow of Betty White’s special date with Koko doesn’t have any sound, but that’s so you can add your own background music. I chose “Kiss the Girl-illa,” but feel free to go with the Sarah McLachlan song that instantly makes every animal look sad, lonely and on the verge of being sent to the glue factory.

And I’m really hoping Betty met with Koko to talk about teaming up for the long-awaited reimagining of Monkey Trouble.

via Videogum

The 89th anniversary of the day the gods gifted the world with the earth angel that is Betty White was actually on Monday, but her hard partying weekend of blackout debauchery forced her to confess her sins to her Saint Bea candle, buy bootleg morning after pills on Craigslist, get (NSFW) the cat with a bowtie tattoo on her vagina removed and make her court date for public intoxication, so her Hot In Cleveland castmates couldn’t throw a party for her until last night.

At Le Cirque in NYC, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves and Wendie Malick presented America’s grandmother with a giant Metamucil cake with creme de Ben Gay frosting (that strangely sounds kind of good).

And here’s a video from the future of me and a special friend (you decide which is which) wishing the eternally young Betty White a happy birthday.

I’m not joking. That is totally my future.

A black cloud (powered by Bea Arthur) might appear above my head for blogging this out loud, but I think January Jones might have outdone Betty White at the Emmys tonight. January was caught in a tornado of coffee filters, Madge’s vintage cone tits, Pepsi cans and cocktail umbrellas and she still made it to the Emmys tonight!

Seriously, January looks like she was in the middle of some hair-pulling sexy times with a married dude when his wife came home and so she had to jump out of the window fully nekkid! Then she was forced to make a dress with shit found in the recycle bin and a bottle of blue spray paint from the garage. The freshly fucked hair just pulls the whole beautiful mess together.

If fuckery was a country, this would be its national dress at the Miss Universe pageant.

The Creative Arts Emmys (or the Schmemmys as Kathy Griffin has officially dubbed them) is the Emmys’ grown step sister who still sits at the children’s table even though her ass cheeks don’t fit on the tiny stool anymore. Well, she temporarily got up from the children’s table last night for her big moment in the spotlight. And she didn’t disappoint, because she did the right thing by honoring international treasure Betty White for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live!

Unfortunately, Betty wasn’t there to accept her award, because the show cut into her nap time and nothing is more important than nap time. No, Betty didn’t go because she gets tired of people throwing themselves at her feet and handing over their babies (or trophies) for her to bless.

Surprisingly enough, Betty didn’t win every award last night. Illegal, I know. Others won too. Here’s just some of the winners (full list here):

Best Guest Actress in a Comedy: Betty White, “Saturday Night Live”

Best Choreography: Mia Michaels, “So You Think You Can Dance”

Best Voiceover Performance: Anne Hathaway, “The Simpsons”

Best Main Titles Design: “Bored to Death”

Best Main Title Theme Music: “Nurse Jackie”

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series: John Lithgow, “Dexter” (he accidentally thanked HBO instead of Showtime!)

Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: Neil Patrick Harris, “Glee”

Best Variety Writing: “Colbert Report”

Best Commercial: “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like • Old Spice Body Wash”

Best Reality Program: “Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution”

Best Reality Host: Jeff Probst, “Survivor”

Best Guest Actress in a Drama Series: Ann-Margret, “Law & Order: SVU” (she receives the only standing ovation of the night)

And here’s some pictures of the winners including: Neil Patrick Harris double fisting, Ann-Margaret, John Lithgow, Gaycrest, Isaiah Mustafa (with Jon Hamm), and Jeff Probst with his girlfriend Sheetal Sheth.

The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was God’s way of warning Hollywood that they better do right by his personal angel Betty White at this morning’s Emmy Nominations. And they didn’t, so those bitches better stop, drop and roll. Oh wait, that’s what you do when a flame hops on your back. Well, they should do that anyways, because I won’t be surprised if a bolt of lighting (or an angry gay aka me) is headed their way.

Yes, Betty White received ONE LITTLE nomination for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live, but we all know she should’ve been nominated in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. Best Stunt Coordination? Betty should’ve been nominated! Best Technical Direction? Betty should be sitting in that category too.

Kanye West should be shouting about how the Emmys hate Betty White People. White Oprah should be issuing statements on how this is so unfair to do this to such an innocent child. While I organize the BOYCOTT THE EMMYS movement (not really), you can shake your fist or do the dick slappy dance at the nominees below. They are recognizing Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, so I’ll give them that. The full list is here.

OUTSTANDING DRAMA
Lost
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Mad Men
True Blood
The Good Wife

OUTSTANDING COMEDY
Glee
Modern Family
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Nurse Jackie
30 Rock
The Office
Curb Your Enthusiasm

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW (COMPETITION)
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing with the Has-Beens
Project Runway
Top Chef

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristen Chenoweth (Glee)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Tina Fey (SNL)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Betty White (SNL)

The above picture is from Betty’s new calendar which comes out in September. Proceeds go to the Morris Animal Foundation. I’m sure it will be nominated for a Pulitzer Award next year.