Afternoon Crumbs

/ August 3, 2011

“I’ve planked and I can’t get up!”Hugh Hefner for Life Alert – SOW

How many times do you think somebody asked ASkars, “Can I swat that fly off of your shirt with my tongue?” – Lainey Gossip

Ashley Tisdale is red, white and pantless – Hollywood Tuna

What is this “householdJohnny Bananas is talking about exactly? – The Superficial

Today’s title for the “Susan Boyle of (fill in the name of a country other than the UK or a talent other than singing” goes to these guys – Towleroad

If not for that tattoo, I would’ve thought this was LeAnn Rimes (apologies to Melanie Griffith for that comparison) – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

See kid, push him off pier: Kate Moss knows how to do it – Celebitchy

Sky diving memaws are the best – The Daily What

Airlifted Dog and Sky Diving Memaw should really do some kind of show together – Videogum

Emmy Rossum looking like a member of the Sweet Valley High tennis team – Popoholic

Chantal Biya got ROBBED again – Popsugar

This picture of Jennifer Aniston in a bikini was obviously taken with the watch camera I got for my 13th birthday. I’ve been looking for that! – Just Jared

Bam Margera got a Ryan Dunn tattoo – ICYDK

Lea Michele in Bazaar – The Berry

Kate Moss walking behind a child, manages to not push him – Hollywood Rag

Stumped at the pump – Cityrag

Sarah Jessica Parker’s nanny is kind of hot. But she’s married to Matthew Broderick so she doesn’t have to worry about any Jude Law shit happening there – I’m Not Obsessed

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When Guardian Angels Throw In The Towel

/ June 29, 2011

We all know the story of Ryan Dunn’s untimely death when he rocketed his Porsche off the road after filling his tank with the nectar of the gods, killing himself and his passenger. In an emotional inteview, Bam Margera talked to E! Online about the death of his bff and said that it wasn’t the first time Ryan had flirted with the reaper on that same stretch of road. Damn.

Bam said “He flipped me in a car eight times at the same exact spot in 1996. Thank God I had my seat belt on, because Chris Raab put one on me, but my brother didn’t have one on. He flew 40 feet. Thank God he’s alive. But like, Dunn was always a maniac at driving.”

Later in the interview, Bam read a text, the last words he ever heard from his friend. “Stopping for a beer, be there when I can.”

You know, I can’t even snark on this shit. It’s sad, it’s wasteful, and it was so avoidable. Dude rolled his car eight fucking times and almost killed his friends in the same spot he was doing 140 mph in 15 years later. We all know some crazy ass who always seems to skirt the inevitable, but eventually shit’s gonna go down. Just, damn.

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Tracy Morgan Returns To The Scene Of The Rant

/ June 21, 2011

Tracy Morgan’s tour of a thousand apologies pedaled into Nashville, Tennessee today, where IT ALL BEGAN! Tracy held a press conference with GLAAD and Kevin Rogers, the man who started it all when he Facebooked about Tracy’s “GO BUTT FUCK YOUR BULLIED TEARS, GAYS, ” rant.

Tracy started the week by meeting with homeless gay teens in NYC and now he’s come full circle by apologizing to the gay and lesbian community in Nashville. At this rate, it won’t be long before Tracy is PFlag co-president with Debbie and is waving the rainbow flag as the grand marshal of every city’s gay pride parade. This is what Tracy said at today’s press conference.

The first thing I want to say is that I apologize to Kevin and people that were at the show for bumming them out. I want to apologize to my friends and my family and my fans and everyone in every community who were offended with this. I didn’t mean it. I don’t have a hateful bone in my body. I don’t believe that anyone should be bullied or just made to feel bad about who they are. I totally feel that, in my heart, I really don’t care who you love, same-sex or not, as long as you have the ability to love. So now, at this point in my life, it’s an opportunity to make a difference, I don’t really see gay or straight, I just see human beings now. I pride myself on 20 years, 18 years of standup, of using it to heal people and not hurt. That was my whole thing. And I hurt people with this. So, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to everyone who I offended with my words on stage, in Nashville and everywhere else. I want to take this opportunity, to err is human, to forgive is divine. Thank you Kevin, thank you everybody, for your support. I just want to take this opportunity to help and not hurt.

Both GLAAD and Kevin Rogers accepted Tracy’s apology and they all hugged it out before making each other friendship bracelets. Here’s a clip.

Tracy and Kevin practically wore matching shirts too. If I put on a windbreaker, slide on a shower curtain ring like it’s a cock ring and squint while humming the melody to “Red River Valley,” I can practically see the new cast of the Planes, Trains and Automobiles remake. Tracy and Kevin will be in a buddy comedy together, trust this.

Well, that’s that. The Roger Ebert vs. Bam Margera Twitter war has shot its last character, the Tracy Morgan vs. the gays feud is over and now let’s hope that the battle between my bowels and Kahlua martinis comes to an end soon, because that shit needs to stop (literally).

via Towleroad

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ February 23, 2011

The silicone orchid that is Camille Grammer was a ginger Farrah Fawcett (as Farrah rolls to the right….) in high school – Jezebel

Justin Timberlake will be at the Oscars – Lainey Gossip

Proof that Bam Margera isn’t a cheap bastard: he only buys the top shelf shit for his 17-year-old side piece (sarcasm) – The Superficial

The Photoshop Awards: Kelly Osbourne’s “Material Girl” ads (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

We all knew E.T. worked for the dark side – Towleroad

I want to live here – TDW

You can always count on Amber Rose to wear a dress made out of burnt oven bags – Hollywood Tuna

Jared Leto looking like a European lesbian who owns an art gallery and drives an orange Vespa – Just Jared

Bridget Moynahan calls Tom Brady and Gis Bundchen “these people”Celebitchy

Natalie Portman’sMiss Cherie Dior” commercial – Popoholic

Just. No. – Popsugar

Maddox’s arch rival or Barbra Streisand? – ICYDK

And they call it puppy (and monkey) love – The Berry

Natalie Portman is no Julianne Moore OMG Blog

Ricky Martin is giving us “mid-90s circuit gay” – Hollywood Rag

Shade throwing cage match – Cityrag

Brooke Mueller knows where the good crack is – I’m Not Obsessed

Chris Brown’s leash has been removed – Crunk + Disorderly

(Star Magazine scan via Jezebel)

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ October 19, 2010

Kate Hudson’s got that fresh “just got into a bar fight after giving some girl’s boyfriend a beej in the bathroom” hair – Lainey Gossip

The CAPS LOCKED voice of the people almost wasn’t – The Superficial

The tricks from Rock of Love: Where are they now? (Surprisingly, most of them haven’t been quarantined by the government) – Jezebel

And then Bam Margera snotted on his tongue – Towleroad

Anne Hathaway’s impeccable brow game in Vogue – The Berry

Elin Woods only got $110 million… How is she making do?! – Celebitchy

At first I was like, “Did Hayden Panatroll grow?” – Popoholic

Still waiting for Christopher Guest to rip off his Christine O’Donnell mask to tell us we’ve all been hoaxed – OMG Blog

Doogie! Watch it, you’re choking your dog (not a euphemism) – Popsugar

Dear Talbots, here’s the next face of your brand! – ICYDK

Looking like a picture right of Down Low Quarterly Necole Bitchie

Wubba Wubba Wubba – SOW

Jasmine Waltz still milking the jizz out of her 15-seconds – Holy Moly!

Sammy Jo Carrington lives in Heather Locklear’s daughter – Hollywood Rag

Paulina and Gisele’s nipple throw down – Cityrag

Homegirl’s face in thumbnail #4 is today’s winner – I’m Not Obsessed

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Trouble In Trash Heap Paradise?

/ October 15, 2010

This is Kat Von D last month to People: “Jesse is only my ninth boyfriend. I don’t hang out with anybody unless I am in love.

Roll eyes, roll back (I would tell you to roll again, but it’s Friday and you shouldn’t exert yourself) and keep going.

And also according to People, this was Kat Von D at Slash’s cocert in L.A. on October 5th: “Von D was seen hanging out in the V.I.P. section with her ex-boyfriend Nikki Sixx. ‘They were on the balcony chatting and ended up disappearing together,’ a source tells PEOPLE. They were acting pretty cozy and chummy.’

Kat was also seen “flirting” with her ex-fuck piece Bam Margera at a dinner for two at some restaurant in Hollywood.

So of course, this brings up the wooden dollar question: Is Vanilla Gorilla still heil-ing it into Kat Von D’s punane? A different source tells People that Kat is having a hard time dealing with the distance between her and Vanilla Gorilla. Vanilla Gorilla has swung on over to Austin to be closer to his ex-wife Sandra Bullock and her son Louis while Kat stays in L.A. Kat and Vanilla only get to slobber on each other on the weekends and this isn’t working out for her.

But Vanilla Gorilla’s original ex-wife Janine told Radar that he’s probably going to stick a banana in his mouth and swing back to L.A. to be closer to Kat since Sandra Bullock would rather do a sequel to All About Steve than reunite with his nasty ass.

Janine said, “He did everything that he could to try and win Sandra Bullock back but it just didn’t wash and now that he has Kat in his life why would he stay in Texas? All of his friends are in California and he was like a fish out of water in Austin which is really Sandra’s town. The sad part is that he made the kids move there and now he will have to bring them all back again. He’s a narcissist and if it means being with Kat Von D and all the publicity that will bring then I’m sure he will go for it.

I am going to pray before the tube of ointment the free clinic gave me a couple of years ago that Kat Von Douchebag and Vanilla Gorilla make it work. The meaning of LOVE has already been dragged and beaten enough because of the break-ups of Xtina & Bat Boy, Courtney Cox & David Arquette and Laura Dern & Ben Harper. It will never survive this! Aphrodite would quit life and the cherubs would be forced to get full-time jobs as divorce paper process servers.

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