Bam Margera is having a week. First, he got kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess and then videotaped himself yelling at an airline employee (because the employee had the audacity to say he had more than one drink). Bam then went on to air ALL of his dirty laundry on several long-winded Instagram posts, calling out his mom and wife. Finally, Bam showed a true break from reality when he asked Dr. Phil to come in and fix it all. Well it turns out Dr. Phil heard the call for him to get some attention. Dr. Phil met with Bam and his family and he is now on his way to rehab. You know Dr. Drew is fuming he didn’t get that call.

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Bam Margera is a mess. What started with Bam getting kicked off a Southwest flight from Atlanta for being a drunken wreck culminated in Bam giving a long–and I mean long–dissertation of everything that’s wrong in his life and how he desperately needs Dr. Phil‘s help. I mean, that’s not where to go for actual emotional or mental help, but okay.

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The humanized scab skin torn off of a skater boy’s knee named Bam Margera is now getting into the rap game and has a new song out called “Bend My Dick To My Ass” and it’s only a matter of time before the RIAA certifies it triple gold condom wrapper. Shooting liquefied human waste into his mouth made Bam a TV and movie star, so he’s hoping it’ll make him dubstep star too.

In the video for the tuck fuck anthem of our time, Bam and a fellow down river skank dry hump in the back of a car and flash their parts all around Iceland. The true bright spot of the video is at the 2:44 mark when Bam takes a sip of the piss geyser shooting out of his peen hole. (The prolific piss drinker from My Strange Addiction is totally in love.) If you think about it, whatever shoots out of his dick is probably not as disgusting or diseased as the shit that’s in his mouth, so if anything, he’s cleaning out his filthy trash hole.

And the lyrics to this beautiful song have confirmed that Bam is the most influential poet of our time.

In a coffee shop in heaven somewhere, Robert Frost is writing a 5,000 word poem about how he’s disappointed at himself for not coming up with the poetic line “Bend My Dick To My Ass So That I Can Fuck Myself.” That’s exactly the line that The Road Not Taken needed to make it a real masterpiece. And will somebody please give me Bam Margera’s phone number, because I need to beg him to let me use the line “Titty Fuck My Ass Cheeks” as the title of my memoirs. That line is my entire life summed up in five words.

In other Bam news, he was kicked out of a hotel in Brisbane after he ruined the paintings in his room by drunkenly painting over them with a bunch of his piece of trash friends. If the hotel owners saw Bam’s music video, they’d understand his art and wouldn’t have kicked him out. You can’t keep an artist from making art just like you can’t keep a Bam Margera from bending his dick to his ass.

(Thanks, Joanne) 

Sadly, the Roger Ebert and Bam Margera bitch fight did not end with one them beating the other in a fart mask duel. It ended with Roger Ebert writing on his website that he regrets that Bam Margera and others took his “friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk” Tweet as mean because that’s not how he meant it.

In case you were busy swallowing a gold fish before barfing it up in a bowl, shortly after Ryan Dunn killed himself and his friend by crashing into a tree, Roger wrote a Tweet that burned Bam’s b-hole. Bam called Roger a “piece of shit” who needs to “shut his fucking mouth.” Roger explained himself like this:

To begin with, I offer my sympathy to Ryan Dunn’s family and friends, and to those of Zachary Hartwell, who also died in the crash. I mean that sincerely. It is tragic to lose a loved one. I also regret that my tweet about the event was considered cruel. It was not intended as cruel. It was intended as true.

I have no way of knowing if Ryan Dunn was drunk at the time of his death. What I knew before posting my tweet was that not long before his death, he posted a photo on Tumbler showing himself drinking with two friends.

Roger then went on to write about the details of Ryan’s last night. Roger then admits that maybe he should’ve sat on his fingers for a little bit before he wrote a Drunk Driving PST (Public Service Tweet).

I don’t know what happened in this case, and I was probably too quick to tweet. That was unseemly. I do know that nobody has any business driving on a public highway at 110 mph, as some estimated — or fast enough, anyway, to leave a highway and fly through 40 yards of trees before crashing. That is especially true if the driver has had three shots and three beers. Two people were killed. What if the car had crashed into another car?

I think we’re all missing something here. I’m talking about how fucking weird it is that Roger Ebert and Bam Margera are slapping at each other on Twitter of all places? The Internet is a hell of a motherfucking drug. I would expect a shopping cart derby between the ghost of Gene Siskel and my old skater boy neighbor who ate his own scabs before I’d expect a stupid ass fight between Roger Ebert and Bam Margera.

Roger was right, Bam was half-right and now that this is finally over the former can go back to shooting out shiny beautiful gems like this:

Sam Sung | June 21, 2011 10:42 AM | Reply

Dear Mr. Ebert,

I would be interest in building condos in your hollow jaw. We can split the profits 50/50. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks! Sam

Ebert: My jaw as it now exists was designed by Frank Gehry, and has landmark status.

Jackasses’ Ryan Dunn is shitting toy cars on heaven’s carpet and doing homoerotic stunts with the angels today and there’s lots of talk about how he got there. The facts are that three hours before Ryan crashed his Porsche into a tree, he was slurping up the sweet nectar at a bar. Some witnesses at the bar say that Ryan had 3 beers, 3 shots and was “wasted.” Other witnesses say that he had a couple of beers and wasn’t even drunk enough to make a Breathalyzer bust into a boner. The police speculated that Ryan was going around 100mph before he hit the tree.

Ryan’s autopsy went down yesterday and so the toxicology reports should be out soon. Shortly after the news of Ryan’s crash went around, Roger Ebert reviewed his death on Twitter and gave it one thumb down.

Friends don’t let jackasses drink and drive.
19 hours ago via SocialOomph

You can say that Roger Tweets the truth! You can say that Roger Tweets the truth TOO SOON! Or you can say Roger needs to shove his Tweet up his ass and shoot it into the mouth of a toilet where it belongs. Of course, Ryan’s fellow Jackasser, Bam Margera, went with the latter when he went off about Roger’s Tweet on Twitter.

I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents
10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

About a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!
10 hours ago

Both Roger and Bam need to stop and think about what Ryan Dunn would want! Would Ryan really want them to be kicking at each other’s dick bones on Twitter?! TWITTER? When Twitter isn’t bringing out a ho’s dick pictures, it’s bringing out a ho’s assholery. You know, there’s a lot truth to what Roger said and Bam has every right to flip his keystrokes about it. But they should really put their differences aside and mourn the loss of Ryan by pouring one out into a funnel that’s shoved up their b-holes. That’s what Ryan would want!

Jackass’ Bam Margera was taken to the hospital in West Chester, PA last night after some crazed bitch with a bat bam bam bam-ed him in the back of the head. Normally if you witness this sort of shit you would think that Bam was just up to his usual tricks, but this was apparently real. TMZ says that Bam and the woman got into some sort of fight which led to her hitting him with a bat.

This happened outside of Bam’s bar at around 2 this morning. The crazy bat-wielding bitch (we’ll call her Pebbles) was arrested and charged with assault. Bam is in the hospital and his condition isn’t known right now.

Bam has landed on his head more times than a Cyrus baby, and is more resilient than Parasite Hilton’s crotch crustaceans so I’m sure he’ll be fine. Hopefully. And never underestimate a lunatic bitch with an inanimate object in her hands (see Brit Brit circa 2007).