JLove’s New Body

/ August 14, 2008

Last November, pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt with a little junk in her truck, hood, and side spoilers hit the internet. A bunch of whores made fun of her jelly ass. At the time, JLove shot back and said she’s not a fatty-fatty-bo-batty. She also said she was a size 2.

Well, on this week’s cover of UsWeekly, JLove is queefing about how she lost 18lbs! Okay, if she was a size 2 back in November, what is she now? A size -2? More like a size “bitch, please!”

JLove told the magazine, “I am in a pretty good workout regimen that I like, so it inspired me to keep it up. The energy level and the way I feel now is great.” She claims she only lost the weight because she wanted to feel better and not because of the mean things people said about her.

Yeah, I know what diet she went on. It’s called the Photoshop diet! Does a body good.

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He Should Have Kept That To Himself

/ August 14, 2008

Legendary pepaw Ernest Borgnine was on Fox & Friends and they asked him what’s his secret to looking so young. He giggled a little and then whispered it to the dude next to him. It was a whisper we all heard.

Ernest softly said, “I masturbate a lot.” Great. Just what I needed. The sexy image of Pepaw Ernest rubbing on his shriveled turtle head while watching “Murder She Wrote.” Do you think he cums dust?

VIA KISS Nation

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Is This Jennifer Aniston’s New Piece?

/ August 14, 2008

Jennifer Aniston’s fartytale romance with John Mayer has come to end, but she’s already back at it. According to The Sun, Jenny has been seen with 28-year-old model Matt Felker. Matt used to bump it with Selma Blair. He was also in Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic.”

Never date dudes who are prettier than you. They usually smell better than you too. I dated a dude once who was so pretty that he always smelled like fresh gardenias. I couldn’t explain it. Even after he showered. That’s probably what Zac Efron smells like. No, he smells like CoverGirl foundation, baby powder and John Travolta drool. Matt Felker smells like Cheetos, summer rain and cocoa butter.

Hopefully, Jenny is just using this dude to fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away until you get pains in your chocha. That didn’t make sense, but I’m not feeling well, so bare with me.

In other old maid news, The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Jenny is the one who called off her relationshp with John Mayer! It wasn’t the other way around. Jenny got sick of John cheating on her ass and she allowed him three fuck-ups.

Apparently, John effed a cocktail waitress and a promoter’s assistant for his tour. His third strike came when he did grossy grossy times with a groupie. A source added, “Jen who decided to move on. She is very fond of John and has thought he might be the one. She finds him funny, sexy and very talented. … Plus he understands all the aspects of living in a fishbowl. But in the final analysis, she just got tired of his roving eye.

Since when is Jenny writing for The Chicago Sun-Times?

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Tits AND Lips?

/ August 14, 2008

First of all, sorry for the lack of posts this morning. I caught some kind of cold earlier this week and it is really fucking me in the ass without lube today. I’m trying to hold on for dear life! May Chicken Cutlets be with me. Tommy Girl has put a curse on me. No wonder I’m always having nightmares about little green peens. So…if I’m slower than usual today and I don’t make much sense (again, more than usual), that’s the reason. Now let’s get on with it!

Katie Price wandered the streets of Los Angeles yesterday buying a bunch of shit she really doesn’t need. Katie will usually vomits up all kinds of information about herself, but she wasn’t talking yesterday. The paps asked her if she got her chichis reduced. She wouldn’t say, but it looks like whatever they took from her tittays, they put in her lips. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t talk. She couldn’t open her fucking mouth. If that’s the case, she should get them bigger. Her pout looks like Tommy Girl’s ass lips (that curse just got stronger) after a game of “shock the booty” with Johnny Travolta.

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They’re Real (According To HoHan)

/ August 14, 2008

Yesterday, UsWeekly posted these side-by-side pictures of allegedly 14-year-old (thanks Andy) Ali Lohan and asked the question: “Did Ali Lohan have a summer growth spurt?” What they really meant to say was: “Did White Oprah stuff the bitch with plastic sacks?” I wouldn’t put it past WO. She probably has a plastic surgery office in her house. Anyfaketitties, HoHan is not amused. She took to her MySpace blog (yeah, she has one of those) and wrote this:

ARE THEY REAL?????

hey everyone..
i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.
so, here’s the visual…
me and my friend Patrick walking into a store, and two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me…
one of them being, “Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?”
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my response simply was, “Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!”
i was caught out of nowhere so i didn’t really come up with the proper response at the time.. there’s many other things that i felt like saying, but why give it to a random guy with a camera so that he can make money!
All i am trying to say is, is that, i was raised with a wonderful family surrounding me, of course we have our ups and downs, but all in all my mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body.
i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you’re not even fully developed yet!
It is hard enough being 14 years old and you have enough insecurities to begin with, then add being in the public eye…
i just find it really disconcerting that people have to focus on the negative and that some people are sooooo bored with their own lives that they need to manifest lies to hurt another person.
in a more positive light…
i got some great clothes from alexander wang and i miss samantha cuz she’s out of town 🙁
have a wonderful day everyone~
til next time..
xx LL

Somebody give HoHan a Tic-Tac! I can smell her fish jerky breath from here. Does HoHan realize what family she’s in. She needs to check her last name again, because that’s exactly something her family would fucking do. “My mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given” – NO! She taught you to whore yourself out for a quick dolla no matter what!

It also made me laugh to see the word WANG and Samantha in the same sentence. Til next time, HoHan!

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