John McCain was supposed to sit with David Letterman last night, but he called in at the last minute to cancel because he had to fly to the capital to deal with our broke down economy. A little while into the show after Letterman and Keith Olbermann talked about McCain suspending his campaign and other shit, Letterman was told that McCain was not on a plane bound for DC, but in a studio down the street with Katie Couric. Letterman cut to a live feed of McCain talking with Katie and said, “Do you need a ride to the airport?!”

Oh shit. This reminds me of the time that I called in sick to the night shift at my old job. I told them I was practically dying and couldn’t get out of bed. Well, a couple of hours later I ran into one of my bosses at the gay bar. HA! I was stuttering so fucking much, I sounded like I had Tourettes. I kind of just shrugged, said I felt better and told him I thought a Hot Toddy would cure my illness. I was drinking vodka. That’s when I excused myself from the bar and never went back to that job again.

Martha shows Jordin Sparks that you don’t need a promise ring to enjoy handling meat. – Punch Drunk Bunny

Runners-up:

Found in the waters of Kununurra. – Two Drink Min

I call it the Tommy Lee. Ridiculously long, covered in a thick yellowish goo and jammed tight into a bun. – The Hoople

Every lesbian’s nightmare: a really big wiener and martha in pink – Wonda Land

Thanks Peaches

Barbara Walters (79)
T.I. (28)
Clea DuVall (31)
Bridgette Wilson (35)
Bridget Marquardt (35)
Hal Sparks (37)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (39)
Will Smith (40)
Scottie Pippen (43)
Tate Donovan (44)
Keely Shaye Smith (44)
Aida Turturro (46)
Heather Locklear (47)
Michael Madsen (50)
Mark Hamill (57)
Cheryl Tiegs (61)
Michael Douglas (64)

Michael Lohan has been relatively quiet lately. I figured he finally took everyone’s advice and stuck a dick in it for good. Well, Michael must have eaten a suppository this weekend, but he was back to spewing verbal diarrhea. He shot off an e-mail to x17online.com and called SamRo a “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.” That’s a compliment where I come from. If he said that to me, I’d thank him with a cunty curtsy.

Michael also accused SamRo of writing HoHan’s MySpace blogs. That might be the case, but HoHan is probably busy sitting on SamRo’s face. Yes. SamRo can eat a skin burger and blog at the same time! Talent!

He went on to suggest that SamRo wipes her vag with a cardboard toilet paper roll. “Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand).”

I never thought of using a cardboard roll before. When I’m over someone’s house and they don’t have tp, I either use their hand towels or the bathroom rug. And if either of those things aren’t available, I turn their sink into a bidet! I’ll have to remember the cardboard roll. Those lezzies are so smart!

Of course, HoHan had to respond to her devil daddy. She wrote an e-mail to Page Six saying SamRo is not evil and that she’s in a great place…blah…blah…blah.. She also said: “My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it’s dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren’t speaking.”

HoHan, it’s times like this when a simple “STFU” will do as a response. Better yet, ignore the loon and let him self-destruct on his own.

Here’s HoHan and her cardboard-roll-loving girlfriend walking around Los Angeles the other day.

We need to send out a search party for CoCo’s sense of style, because it’s obviously missing. Look at this ordinary and classy shit she wore last night! Is she joking with this demure mess? The dress looks like it costs more than $50. This is not like her. Where’s the elegant and glamorous CoCo I have come to know and adore? This crap belongs on some humdum plain Jane, not on a unique beauty like CoCo. I don’t understand. She’s not even showing off her best feature: her camel toe of dreams! Whenever I see her camel toe, I feel a calmness fall over me. CoCo’s camel toe lets me know that everything is okay in this world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Hopefully, CoCo realizes what she has done and immediately throws that trash dress into the garbage or donates it to a nun or something. I do still have feelings for her. Maybe she wanted to be something she’s not for the “Nights in Rodanthe” premiere. Oh, Coco. Less class, more ass.

Speaking of “Nights in Rodanthe,” why do I really want to see this sappy nonsense? The other day I watched the trailer and I immediately wanted to get wrapped up in Diane Lane and Richard Gere’s doomed romance. When Diane says, “You came along and helped me find those parts of myself I thought I lost forever,” I felt it in my very soul! WTF is wrong with me?! Read this fucking description: “Now, with the storm closing in, the two turn to each other for comfort and, in one magical weekend, set in motion a life-changing romance that will resonate throughout the rest of their lives.” I’m going through the change, right?

Pinch with me with a nipple clamp! I think I’m dreaming. What are the chances we would get not one, but TWO Rojo Caliente sightings in less than a week?! The gayelle gods are shining down on us. If we see her a third time this week, I will give up the peen forever and become a full-fledged butchie who eats coochie for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all three snacks. I love you Rojo, but please stay inside the rest of the week and shut your shades. My no-no hole depends on this.

The rare Rojo sighting took place outside of a Rite-Aid in Venice, CA two days ago. I know you’re assuming Mrs. Caliente is making “sicky icky poo” face, but she’s not. This is what happened. When they were inside Rite-Aid, Cynthia, like she always does, got the intense urge to lick on Rojo’s flaming carrot muffin. Cynthia’s craving was so intense that she forgot to protect her tongue and she suffered the consequences! She’s trying to stop the burning! I know it sounds like a stretch, but that’s the gayelle’s honest truth! If you can’t stand the heat, don’t eat Rojo’s pussy.