The Windmill at Every Mini Golf Course!
Everyone knows that mini-golf is a historical dutch tradition, hence the presence of a beautiful and tasteful windmill at every fucking mini-golf course in the entire country. Windmills at mini-golf courses are as American as apple pie, baseball or Kim Kardashian’s ass. When I was eight my mother had a copy of Sidney Sheldon’s “Windmills of the Gods” and I thought it was about Zeus owning a mini-golf course. Which actually would have been a really hot movie.
Picky Picky from the Ramona Quimby Books!
In Beverly Cleary’s Ramona books (Ramona The Pest, Ramona the Brave, Ramona and her Mother, etc), Picky Picky was the family cat. Picky Picky was old, dirty, bitchy and didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything unless they had food. Sort of like Sally Struthers. Picky Picky died in Ramona Forever, probably because she was so sick of looking at Ramona’s dirty-ass bowl cut.
The Quimbys were so fucking poor, but they were like dumb poor. Remember when they forgot to plug the crock-pot in, so when they came home they had to eat peanut butter or some shit for supper? Why the hell didn’t they go to McDonald’s? I may have been seven when I read the damn book, but I knew that even Mr. and Mrs. Quimby could shell out $5 for a family size value meal. Plus it was the 80s – things were cheaper! Also, remember how Mr. Quimby went back to school to be an art teacher? Like that would up the income bracket (no offense to art teachers). The only smart one in the whole series was Willa Jean, because all she did was rip kleenex out of the box all day. Which is really just performance art when you think about it.
Queen Valanice from King’s Quest!
King’s Quest was a series of computer games released in the 80s/early 90s that told the story of King Graham going on quests and fighting goblins and dragons and all that shit. They were puzzle games, which mostly meant that you walked around and picked up items like dead fish because later it would open a lock.
Anyway, Valanice was the queen of Daventry (yes, I remember this shit) who looked like the evil stepmother from Cinderella. Mostly she just hung out in the background but in King’s Quest VII she took CENTER STAGE! The game features Valanice nagging her dumb bitch daughter Rosella to get hitched and stop fucking singing, only to have Rosella fall down some hole and into another land, so Valanice goes after her BECAUSE SHE WANTS A WEDDING. They fall into another land, where Valanice searches for her daughter while yelling at little kids and turning a tree into a lady that looks like Bianca from Beverly Hills Teens.
This game was so damn addictive, that my friend Sarah and I left a New Year’s Eve party junior year of high school by faking she got her period so we could go home and play this until 3 in the morning. Anyway, here’s the intro to King’s Quest VII featuring a beautiful song that is destined to be a Demi Lovato hit someday.
Lisa (as played by Stacey Keanan) from the 1990 movie Lisa!
Once upon a time, people used phones to communicate. And nobody loved using phones more than teenagers, especially teenage girls (or baby homos like me). In middle school I’d sit on the phone with friends for hours and just watch TV, but not even fucking talk!
Lisa, starring early 90s sensation Stacey Keanan, is a teenager but thinks her life is SO UNFAIR because her mom won’t let her go out and date. Also, her mom is played by Cheryl Ladd in a GROUNDBREAKING performance. Anyway, because she’s pissed and bored, Lisa looks up men’s phone numbers based on their license plates (don’t ask) and then anonymously calls them and talks sexy. One trick turns psycho and tries
to kill her ass!
Lisa taught an entire generation about the dangers of phone sex! Somebody call Harvey Weinstein and get Courtney Stodden to star in the sequel about the dangers of sexting! They can call it “Madison” or some shit.
Stage 99 from Models, Inc!
What David Chase, Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, Vince Gilligan,
Matthew Weiner and Shonda Rhimes don’t want to admit is that their #1 source of inspiration for their respective works was Models, Inc! Models, Inc ran from 1994-1995 and was a powerful and provocative look at the “ugly” behind the beauty industry, featuring multi-layered, flawed characters that did the wrong things for the right reasons. Just kidding! It was a piece of shit show that was epically hot featuring a bunch of models who fucked, drank and got stalked and were supposed to be internationally famous but mostly did Montgomery Ward catalog work.
Stage 99 was the VERY EXCLUSIVE nightclub where all the models hung out. It was owned by Adam Louder, played by 1994 sensation James Wilder, who was dating Monique Duran (played by Pinnochio’s sister, Stephanie Romanov). They were boring as hell, but Adam’s ex-wife Grayson was epically hot and played by Emma Samms. Bitch wore hot outfits like this (see attached), tried to kill people, tried to rape Adam and ran Models, Inc as a escort service. Also she had hot lines like this (start at 34:35):
Anyway, the club was a piece of shit but Models, Inc will live forever as the greatest show in American history!